Monday is Coming

This weekend is both joyous, and grievous to me. Joel has been at his mother’s for the past 2 weeks. Monday night, he comes home with me.

During this time, I have missed him terribly. On the flip-side, I have enjoyed the freedom to go play tennis, hang out with friends, and generally do what I want, whenever I want.

I have also been concerned about Joel. He struggles to get along with the children of the man that my ex moved in with. His mother didn’t give him time to adjust to the separation, before plunging him into her new relationship. He has dealt with it better than I think I ever could.

The thought of Monday brings joy and relief from worry. It also brings with it a renewed sense of trepidation and concern. I have to again be the single parent of an Aspergers child that is entering the teen years. I often wonder if I have what it takes. I fear making the wrong decisions as a parent, and causing long term harm to my child.

I am haunted by so many questions. How much to I force him to socialize to help him learn to deal with others? How much to I let him be alone to recover from spending the last 2 weeks with far too many people in a small apartment? How much time on the computer is too much? How can I help him deal with the teen years, girls, and peer pressure? How do I help him not waste all the potential he has? How do I connect with him better? The questions are endless, and I have no clear answers.

I know that most parents wonder if they have what it takes to raise their kid(s) right. Single parents have that concern much stronger. Not only do I have those concerns, but my child has special needs. It often feels overwhelming.

Part of me wants to scream that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I no longer miss my ex as a mate, but I do miss having help in raising my son. I have dealt with most of the issues around the divorce, but this one still plagues me.

If any of you reading this blog is a single parent, or you have already raised your children alone, can you give me any advice on dealing with all of this? Is it normal to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions concerning your role as a parent? Is it normal to feel so inadequate for the task?

Perspective

One of the most valuable things beginning photographers learn is to change their perspective. Looking at any subject from different angles will often drastically alter the photo.

These photos of a hibiscus are a great example. The front of the flower was pretty, but the photo looked like a hundred other images taken by other photographers.

When I walked behind the flower, however, I found something really surprising. The light coming through the flower created a star pattern between the petals. The petals themselves created a second star, and the leaves behind the flower formed a third star. By taking the time to walk around this flower, and really look closely, I found something extraordinary.

This can also be a metaphor for life. How many times do we walk by something, yet never see it? How many times have we seen a friend, asked how they were doing, got the standard “fine” in reply, and not taken the time to really look at their faces? They might be hurting, and need someone to listen, but we don’t take the time to really look at them. We barely make eye contact, and don’t want to hear anything except “fine”.

How many times do we miss opportunities to minister to others? How much of a difference could we make if we really saw people, and took the time to go beyond the surface? If we notice that our friend or co-worker is not “fine”, and gently ask them if they are ok, many people will open up. Taking the time to really listen to them, and be there for them, can make a real difference in their lives.

We are so busy. When we don’t take time to get to know people, we miss out on more than just opportunities to help others. We also miss out on the friendship, laughter and joy that they could bring into our lives.

I am guilty of this. My life is so busy that I practically run from one place to another. It is far too easy to not connect with anyone, even my own son.

Joel is autistic, and has a tendency to get absorbed in his own world. I have to slow down, and really work at making a connection. Yet, I get so busy making a living, doing dishes and laundry, and making sure Joel gets his homework done that if I am not careful, I miss out on so much. Joel is 13, and is struggling with the beginning of puberty and all that it entails.

Joel is starting to question what it is to be a man. I don’t want him to base his manhood on what television portrays a man to be, or pop culture. I want to take the time to teach Joel about integrity and protecting those he loves.

He is starting to think about girls. I don’t want him to adopt the media’s view that all that matters is physical beauty. I want to teach him how to treat women with respect, and help him to not make mistakes that could destroy his life, and the life of some young lady.

I need to slow down, and take the time to be the parent that Joel needs me to be, and the friend that those around me need.

I need to change my perspective, be more observant, and take the time to show God’s love in tangible ways to those around me.

Rough Morning with Joel

Having a child with Aspergers can be difficult. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to connect with him. He is in his own world.

This morning was a good example. On the way to school, I was trying to get Joel to talk about his upcoming day, but he kept changing the subject. He asked me if I like roller skating, which he knows I don’t. I told him that I would take him, and I was glad he enjoyed it, but I don’t skate. He ignored my statement, and told me how he wants us to go skating together, and just assumed that I will learn how to skate. He didn’t hear a word I said.

Then, out of the blue, Joel changes subjects, and ask “wouldn’t it be great if we really could build a time machine and go back and forth in time”. I told him that it would be cool, but I have a hard enough time just trying to keep up with one day at a time. He proceeded to spend several minutes talking about this, and then went quiet.

As we pulled up to the school, I gave Joel a hug, and told him to have a good day. We are in line to drop him off. I stop the car, and he picks up a little toy and starts pretending it is a tank, complete with sound effects for explosions. He knows we are in line, and other cars are waiting for him to get out of the car, so I can pull forward. But, Joel is now completely in this fantasy. He has no intention of getting his stuff, and getting out of the car.

I got frustrated, and grabbed the toy out of his hand a lot more harshly than I meant to. I could feel the frustration of all the parents in the cars behind me. He got startled, and I could see tears starting to well up. But, instead of comforting him, I told him in a very gruff voice that I needed him to focus on getting his stuff and getting into the school.

Joel got his stuff, and closed the door. I could see the hurt in his eyes as I drove off. But, I couldn’t stop the line of cars longer to comfort him. As I drove to work, I felt like a complete heel. Even now, as I take a few minutes to type this, I just want to cry.

I love my son, but I do get very frustrated. He is 13, but emotionally, he seems to be at about 8 or 9. That is why he gets along well with kids that are 3-4 years younger than him, but not kids his own age. It is a large part of why he is being bullied terribly at school. He also goes into his own internal world, and when he does, it is hard to get him back into reality.

Some days, I feel like a complete failure as a parent, because I struggle so much to reach Joel. I know that this is not unusual for parents of Aspies, but it doesn’t lessen the pain any.

I only get Joel one weekend out of 4, but I have him every weeknight. So, most of my time with him is spent getting his homework done, and getting ready for school the next day. I feel like I am the drill sergeant, and Jane is the fun one on the weekends.

I want this weekend to get off to a good start, and I blew it this morning. All I can do is apologize for being so rough with him this morning, and just go on.

I know that I need to stop trying to connect with him so hard, and just accept the fact that our interactions may only be on the surface. Yet, I feel a longing to connect on a deeper level with him. It leaves a very large, empty hole in my heart.

Dicotomy

There are times that your own mortality stares you in the face. It isn’t always just the death of a loved one. Sometimes, it can be as simple as driving down the freeway, or standing in line at the grocery store.

This weekend was one of those times for me. As I stood in line at Walmart, drove to a photo shoot in downtown High Point, and drove through a very wealthy neighborhood on the way to take pictures at an event, it hit me.

All of these events spoke the same message. I am but one person among nearly 6 billion in this world. Nobody will remember how much money I made, what pretty photographs I took, or how well I played tennis. I am like a single rain drop in the middle of a raging hurricane.

At the same time that I am impacted by just how insignificant I am, I am reminded of how much I influence those around me. Not only am I an ambassador for Christ, I have been placed in the position of a teacher, and I often mentor photographers beyond the classroom setting. I may be only one person, but I am charged with the responsibility of helping develop the talent in many around me.

There are times that the weight of that responsibility seems to crash down on me, and then I think about what Paul said in Philippians chapter 4 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. If I take the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders, I will fail. I am human, and I make too many mistakes. I have to simply do what God has placed in front of me to do, and leave the responsibility for it in God’s hands. My job is to obey, put forth my best effort, pray for God’s anointing, and leave the results to God.

The same goes for raising my son. I have been struggling to connect with him, and desperately trying to find something for us to do together. As Joel goes into his teen years, I don’t want to lose touch with him.

If I worry about how to keep that bond, and try and do it in my strength, I will fail. If I trust God, and put forth my best effort, God will insure that it turns out well. What a freedom there is in living that way. I just do my best at what God has given me to do, and leave the results to God. I only bear the responsibility for putting forth my best effort.

I just pray that God helps me to keep my eyes on Him, and not on myself. Like most people, if I am not careful, I can be so concerned with my own problems that I ignore those in need that are all around me. As my pastor says “It aint about me”.

Contentment & Wrestling with Tough Questions

It isn’t the 15 minutes of fame that give us value, it is the investment that we make in the lives of those around us. God used the last few days to really drive this point home to me.

This weekend was a rough one. Joel was sick with a stomach virus. There was also a major change in a relationship that put the future in question.

I couldn’t get out as much as I would like with Joel being sick, and Joel didn’t want to interact much. He slept a lot, and just wanted to be alone.

Joel has also been showing signs of becoming a full-fledged teenager. He wants to do his own thing, and not what he needs to do. I have been struggling with him, and the attitude that has suddenly appeared. It is bad enough with a normal teenager, but with an Aspergers kid, it is more in your face. I have even been questioning my ability to raise him to be the man he is capable of becoming.

Monday, I had to keep Joel home from school, and didn’t get out of the house much. So, by the time I got to work Tuesday morning, the loneliness and isolation was incredibly heavy. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world.

Shortly after I arrived at work, I checked my mailbox, and found a thank-you note. It was from a co-worker that has just gone to a different job. I had mentored her some as a designer, and she had helped me expand my horizons as a designer and artist.

What I read was uplifting and humbling. She told me that I had made a big difference in her professional and personal life. I was reminded of a former student that gave me the biggest compliment I have ever received, when she told me that I helped her see the beauty in everything around her.

Last night, I heard that still small voice speak to me that I am not a failure. Along with that affirmation, that same voice spoke 2 distinct questions into my mind. The first was tough “If this is where you stay, your career doesn’t go any further, but I allow you to teach and inspire others to bigger and better things, are you willing to be satisfied with that?” The second question was much harder “If I ask you to do that alone, can you be satisfied with that?”

Those questions hit hard. I wish that I could easily say with joy “Yes Lord”, but it isn’t always that easy. Yet, I have said that what I really love is teaching. Teachers often remain in relative obscurity, but have dramatic impact on some students. I know of one teacher that helped revitalize in me a love for reading and writing that I have to this day.

I can be content with my current career level. If that is what God’s plan is, then He will provide enough increase in earnings to make the financial struggles less difficult. I can teach my classes, and use every opportunity to teach and mentor people with a desire to learn photography or graphic design.

It is the “alone” part that I am struggling with. Yes, I know that God can fill that void. But, the reality of raising Joel alone, and being even more alone after he grows up and moves on, is not an easy pill to swallow. I don’t know if that is God’s will, but I know God needs me to take on my fear of being alone, and be content where I am right now.

The same can be said of the career. I do have some big dreams, but I feel God telling me that I need to be more in the present moment. I need to learn to, as Paul said, “be content whatever the circumstances” (Phil. 4:11). It is easy to say, but not so easy to do, especially when we are going through tough times.

Have I arrived at the point where I can truly say “Yes Lord” with all my heart? No. I am still wrestling with these questions. I can say yes with my mind, and mean it. But, it hasn’t fully been settled in my heart yet.

However, I have hope that God isn’t finished with me yet. He knows what I have gone through this last year, and He is walking with me through it. He has used some of it to put me where I needed to be to help others. Through my pain, God has brought healing to several people.

It isn’t always in the answers that we find what we seek; it is in asking the tough questions. God has asked me to wrestle with some very tough questions.

Raging Within

In August, 1993, I fell on my knees at an altar, and gave my life to God. Jesus forgave my sins, washed me in His blood, and gave me His righteousness.

Yet, I still struggle with my insecurities, and failures. I say that I love God, but I choose to spend so much of my time playing tennis, taking photos, and playing on flickr and facebook. There is nothing wrong with any of these pursuits, but when I allow them to keep me from spending time in prayer and the Word, they become sin.

I am so tired of saying one thing, and then living another. I want to have such a close walk with God, and be so totally in love with Jesus that He truly is the center of my life. Yet, I fail to live that out like I should.

The apostle Paul saw this in his own life. He wrote ”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” Rom 7:15.

When we accept Christ’ gift of salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us. I struggle with this, because we are still also flesh. How can the Spirit of God reside in me, when my flesh seems to be at war with my spirit?

Sometimes, it feels as if this war going on inside of me is going to destroy me. But, I know that is the whole point. The outside flesh is being put to death, so that the Spirit can have more control. The flesh must die if I am to become more like Christ.

Some days, I allow the Holy Spirit to have more control, and I feel more of His presence. Other days, I choose to allow sin to have more control. Those days, God seems a million miles away

Tonight, I can feel that war raging. My flesh wants to be selfish, and do what I want to do. Yet, I can hear that still small voice deep in my spirit saying “be still, and know that I am God”. I can hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit telling me to choose life. My soul aches, and my flesh screams, trying to maintain control.

Ultimately, God left the decision up to me. He will not violate my free will. Every decision gives me another opportunity to choose life, or choose death. Praise God that He doesn’t strike me down, when I make the wrong choice. His Spirit gently calls me to ask for forgiveness, go forward, and sin no more.

If I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago, but God is patient and loving. He is always willing to forgive, and give me another opportunity to make the right decision. Tonight, I will pray, and make the right decision, not in by my power, but by His power. I pray that tomorrow, God will help me make better choices, and draw nearer to Him.

Signs of His Presence

A couple of weeks ago, my pastor was speaking about Jacob wrestling with God. God touched Jacob’s hip, and wrenched it out of its socket. Jacob’s limp would be a sign to all that he had spent time in God’s presence. As Pastor Byerly said, when we wrestle with God, there is a mark left that is visible to all those around us.

I found myself thinking about Acts 4:13 which states, “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus”. Both of these men were simple fishermen, when they left all that they had to follow Jesus. It was after the death and resurrection of Jesus that they underwent a complete transformation into powerful men of God that were willing to risk their lives to spread the gospel.

If you are a believer, look back and ask yourself, what changes has the presence of God made in your life? Many believers struggle, because we see how far we have to go in our walk with God. We see our failures, and our circumstances. But, God, like an earthly father, sees how far we have come, and our potential. When I look at Joel, I don’t see his failures, I see his potential. I try to encourage him to reach that potential. When he makes the wrong decisions, I administer disciplinary measures to help get him back on track towards reaching that potential.

I looked back at my own life, and tried to look past my failures. I looked at who I was before Jesus saved me from my sins, and came to live in my heart. I had allowed the pain from my past to turn me into a bitter and hateful person. There was a huge chip on my shoulder, and I was always daring anyone to knock that chip off. I kept everyone at a distance, because I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me, ever again.

One of the most telling things about me, before I gave my life to Christ was the lack of tears. From the time I was 12 till I got saved, I didn’t cry more than a few times. I wanted to cry. I wailed, and screamed, and moaned in agony when nobody else was around. I wanted so much to cry, but the pain was too deep, and the tears wouldn’t come. I held onto anger over every hurt that anyone did to me, and didn’t forgive, I wasn’t capable of it. I was quite simply a jerk.

The night that I gave my heart to God, tears flowed like a river. When I stood up from that alter, my shirt was soaked from all the tears. There was an immediate release of years of pent up anger and hurt. Over the next few years, God helped me to forgive the people that had hurt me so deeply, and as I have said many times, that forgiveness was the ticket to my freedom.

Now, I rarely make it though a Sunday morning worship service without tears flowing. I always bring a couple of tissues with me to church, because when I feel the Spirit of God in a worship service, I cry. Those tears are the sign of God’s presence in my life. They are a release that allows me to open my heart to God, and be vulnerable.

As much as those tears are a readily visible sign that God has touched my life, there is a much bigger sign that took place over several years. God changed my heart from bitter and angry to soft and quick to forgive.

When we went to court for custody of Joel, my former neighbor, Rick, testified on my behalf. I nearly cried in that courtroom, when Rick was asked about my dealing with Joel. The context was how I deal with Joel when there is conflict. Rick stated “Mark is very tender hearted”. He went on to say that I rarely yell at Joel, and when I do, I am very quick to go to Joel and ask forgiveness for losing my temper.

God is the only one that can change a life like He has mine. I still make my mistakes, and I still become angry. But, it isn’t the same type or level of anger. I used to take every little annoyance and replay it like a video in my mind over and over again, till it became so big that it was all I could see. Now, I am quick to forgive, and go on with my life.

So, I ask again, what sign is there that you have been with God? What change has His presence made in your life? Take a good look at where you used to be compared to where you are now, and thank God for how far He has taken you. Don’t spend all your time looking at how far you have to go. God will get you where He wants you to be. Simply thank Him for what he has already done, and what he is doing in your life.

Beauty in Strange Places

I have said before that being a single parent was not in my plans. Nobody, stands at the altar, saying their vows, expecting it to be alone. When a spouse cheats on you, it intensifies the feelings of rejection. You feel like this old house, abandoned, neglected, and cast aside.

Most people would look at this old house, and see a rotting shell that needs to be demolished. As a photographer, I looked at it, and saw a strange kind of beauty. I saw beauty in the way the tall grass was surrounding it, and the old weathered wood. I wondered who lived in the house, and what memories are hidden within those walls.

I believe that God looks at us at the worst points in our lives, and sees beauty. When everyone around us sees a failure, God sees potential. In fact, God often calls people to His service, at these low points in their lives.

Today was one of those days that I felt abandoned, and left to rot. The pressure at my job has been ramped up as the end of the semester draws near. The bills are piled high, my car needs new tires, and my dryer has quit working. This last weekend, Joel was at his mother’s place, and I was missing him. To top it all off, this morning I got a call from the Joel’s school. He was having a temper tantrum, and refusing to do his schoolwork.

I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted to leave work, go home, and hide under the covers. But, I have a child to take care of, and need to keep my job. So, I made myself keep busy, and tried to be productive.

I don’t understand why all of this has happened, or what purpose God has in all of it. But, I trust that God has a plan, and that plan is perfect. If I just keep trying to follow Him, He will make something beautiful out of this mess. I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but I cling to the promise that all things will work to my good.

Treasure

Where is your treasure? Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Mathew 6:21). Most Christians would be quick to say that their treasure is in heaven, not here on earth.

But, is it really? I have had to ask myself that recently, and the answer was shocking. Let’s get past all the platitudes, and get real with this.

If you want to know where your treasure is, check your heart, and your thought life. When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing that you think about? Is it the person you are in love with? Is it your job, the chores that need to be done, some event that you are looking forward to or dreading for that day?

When you go to bed at night, what is the last thing on your mind as you drift off to sleep? Is it all the things that need to be done the next day, or is it God and His kingdom?

Let’s get even more real. How do we spend our time, and how do we spend our money. How much time do we spend in God’s Word; 5 minutes a day, 10 minutes, maybe even less? How much time do we spend in prayer?

How much time do we spend watching tv, surfing the web, playing on Facebook, talking on the phone, playing video games, or pursuing our favorite hobby. There is nothing wrong with these activities, but they are an indicator of where our priorities are.

What about our money. Studies show that only about 11 percent of the general population tithe. Among those that claim to be Christians, it is only about 24 percent.

I asked myself these questions, and as much as I say that I love God, I don’t always show it my thoughts and actions. I am quick to say that God is my first priority, but again, I don’t always show it in my thoughts, or my actions.

As I took that critical look at how I spend my time and money, I was convicted. Yet, as soon as that conviction hit, it was followed by condemnation. Satan loves to take genuine conviction and twist it into condemnation. But, I did this all on my own.

I am sometimes my own worst enemy, and definitely my worst critic. Rather than conviction, which causes us to repent and make positive changes, condemnation would have us wallow in self-pity and loathing. I sometimes even punish myself, which is an insult to God. When I punish myself, I am saying that Jesus’ death on the cross wasn’t good enough, I have to pay a personal penance.

The other reaction from my flesh is to make a new commitment that I know I can’t keep. If I manage to keep that commitment for a while, it very quickly becomes something that I dread. I keep it out of a legalistic promise, not grace.

So, what is the answer? The answer is surrender. Surrendering my will, and offering myself anew to Christ. It is asking God to forgive my selfishness, and asking the Holy Spirit to help me make my actions more closely match my beliefs.

It is in surrender that we stop trying to do it on our own, and allow the Holy Spirit to do the work in and through us. Surrendering our will is much easier said than done. It is a process, and I know I have a long way to go in that process.

Overwhelmed

Everybody has days that they feel overwhelmed. For a single parent, it sometimes feels like that is almost a way of life.

Today was definitely one of those days.

This morning, Joel had an appointment with his psychiatrist. Joel proceeded to express how hard it is when he is at his mom’s. He told the doctor that the weekends when John’s 3 kids are there stress him out to the point that he often hides under the blankets.

It is a terrible feeling when you know that your child is hurting, and you can’t do anything to stop it. It is even more painful, when it is someone that is supposed to protect them that is causing the pain. Jane is his mother, but in her selfishness, she is choosing to put Joel in a situation that he is not equipped to handle.

After I dropped Joel off at school, I went to work, and checked my email. There was a message from one of Joel’s teachers. She was complaining about Joel’s attitude in class, and being rather snotty about it.

All the other teachers tell me how much better Joel has been doing in class, and several of them have told me how much they enjoy having him in their classrooms. This teacher, however, does not get along with Joel at all.

This teacher’s attitude has been going on since the beginning of the school year, and I decided something had to be done. So, I called the guidance office, and demanded a conference with this teacher and the school principal.

The last straw was having to call Duke Energy. I had a disconnect notice that stated if I didn’t come up with $200 by this Friday, they would cut off our electricity. This last couple of months have really hit hard with taking a loss on the house, attorney fees, and playing catch up from the move. Jane is supposed to start paying me some child support, but that hasn’t started yet.

I don’t have the money. So, I had to make arrangements to keep the power from being cut off. In order to do that, I have to come up with considerably more by the first of the month. I get paid once a month. I can come up with the money, but I may run out of money before the next payday.

It is days like these that I just want to sit down, and have a big pitty-party. I just get tired. By the time I got Joel home, cooked supper, washed dishes, helped Joel get his homework done, and got him to bed it was nearly 10:00. This day has felt like it would never end.

Deep in my soul, I feel like there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn from this day. I know what that lesson is, but I am struggling with it.

The problem is that I have been attempting to get through this day on my own strength. I am a strong person, and I often carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Tonight, I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit. I can hear Jesus gently saying “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

Part of me longs to let go of all of these cares, and give them to Him. Part of me resents that thought, wants to feel sorry for myself, and play the victim. My pride also kicks in, and I feel that somehow I can still carry this load.

Why is it so hard for me to simply pray and give these cares to God? Why do I choose to carry all these problems on my shoulders, instead of dropping them at the cross?

I sometimes wonder how many times I will have to go through the same trials before I learn the lesson that I am supposed to glean from them.

I feel like a child that ask for help, but when the parent reaches down to help, screams "I’ve got it, I don’t need help".

I pray that God helps me to learn to trust Him more through these trials. Being a single parent is one of the most exhausting things I have ever done, but through it, God is revealing my character.

Sometimes I am surprised by how far God has brought me, and sometimes I am completely distraught by just how far I have to go.

Bowling with Joel

God can use anything to teach us. This morning, God used bowling to speak to me. Well, not bowling itself, but bowling with Joel.

Joel loves to go bowling. We normally go with Grandpa, my friend Rick, and sometimes include Joel’s friends Caleb or Elijah. Joel gets so excited. But, I know my son. He gets bored with bowling after one game, and wants to go play video games. While the adults bowl a second and third game, Joel is eating cheese sticks and playing games.

Joel’s actions at the bowling alley remind me of my relationship with God. I will ask God for something, but after I get it, I don’t really want it that bad. I get bored with it. Then, it is on to something else that I tell God I must have to be happy.

Over the past year, I have been working hard to lose weight. But, I am a single parent. I don’t have time to get to a gym, and money is tight. So, I decided that a Wii Active was what I needed. I just knew that it would solve my dilemma. I would get in better shape at home, and that would make me happy.

I prayed about it, because 60 dollars is a lot of money for me right now. One day during lunch, I walked into Kmart. They had one that someone had opened the box on. Everything was there, but the seal on the box had been broken. They were selling it for $40. That is less than 2 months of a gym membership.

I grabbed it, and couldn’t wait to get home and try it out. It is a surprisingly good workout. After just a few weeks, I have noticed some differences in my posture, and in how my clothes fit. It is doing exactly what I thought it would with one exception, it isn’t making me happy.

Last night, I knew I needed to work out, but I just didn’t feel like it. I looked at the Wii Active box, and groaned. The very thing that I thought would bring bliss was bringing me pain. The kicker is that it is good for me. I got the cd out of the box, loaded it in the Wii, and did my workout. But, it didn’t make me happy. I felt better, physically and emotionally, but I wasn't any happier.

I found myself looking at weights in Wal-Mart, this weekend. The luster of the Wii Active was already wearing off. I just knew that what I need is some heavier weights to help build more muscle.

Am I really that different from my son? Do I not ask God for something, get bored with it, and then ask for something else?

Nothing in this world can make me happy. I was married, but that relationship couldn’t make me happy. No person can be responsible for our happiness. That is the problem with many marriages. We go into the relationship expecting that other person to make us happy.

We have no right to put that level of responsibility on another person. They can’t do it. They will disappoint us. The right marriage partner can make life better, but they can’t make us happy.

The only one thing in this world that can bring true happiness is a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have that relationship, but I am not always happy. I let things of this world get my eyes off of Christ. The struggles of daily life get me down.

I thank God that he doesn’t decide that I am just too fickle, and toss me aside.

My relationship with Joel is helping me to realize more how God can love me, despite my human nature.

I know, before we get to the bowling alley, that Joel will get bored with bowling after one game. I know that he will want to get junk food, and play video games. It is who he is. So, when he asks to go play games, I am already prepared for it.

I sometimes wish that Joel would mature a little more, and stick with the group. I find myself wanting him to bowl all three games with us, and be part of the group. But, I know he is autistic, and group social interaction is draining to him. So, I make him bowl one game, and then let him go play video games.

There is one thing that I can count on from Joel. He will always come back to me. Sometimes it is because he ran out of money for the games. But, even when he still has money in his pocket, he will walk over to me, give me a hug, and tell me he loves me. Then, he will run off to play more.

God knows that things around me will catch my attention. He even knows that I can be fickle in my desires. But, God knows that I love Him. He knows that I will occasionally stop all my activity, and express my love for Him.

He is also working in my life to bring about maturity. God is using simple things, like bowling with Joel, to teach me and help me grow.

I pray that I learn these lessons, and begin to see life through His eternal perspective, rather than my own temporal perspective. I pray that I learn to love God first and foremost in my thoughts and actions. I want to demonstrate my love for Him in all that I do, and be more in love with Him than the things of this world.

I pray that God continues to use simple things, like bowling with my son, to teach me eternal truths.

Wounded, Scarred, but Still Standing

I have started a couple of series that deviated from my original intent of this blog. They were good ideas, and might work at another time. However, they were not why I started this.

The focus of this blog was to inspire others, share some of the stuggles of living with a special needs kid, help others understand what it is like to live with a bipolar family member, and share my own struggles to glorify God in my life. It is time that I get back to those basic ideals.

On January 14th, I faced Jane in court for custody of our 13 year old son. I filed for custody, because Joel is autistic, and desperately needs a stable environment. I emerged with primary custody, but Jane gets “liberal visitation”. She gets him one evening a week, and 3 out of every 4 weekends.

I praise God for the victory, but it brought with it a new wave of grief; grief over the break-up of the family, and grief over the loss of innocence in Joel’s life. Like most children, Joel’s security was built on the foundation of his mom and dad’s relationship. As long as mom and dad loved him, and loved each other, the world was all right. Even when things were rough, we would assure him that we loved him, and that it would be ok.

When Jane moved out, the bottom dropped out from Joel’s world. When the foundation that your world rest upon crumbles, where do you turn? Joel has handled things well, but I can see it in his posture as he walks, hear it in his words, and most of all, see it in his eyes. Where once there was a calm assurance, there is doubt and fear. Mom and Dad protected him, and now his protectors have become the very ones that betrayed him.

All of this is hard enough on a normal child, but for an autistic child, it is even more difficult. Joel needs structure, and routine. Sudden change is always difficult for him, even positive change. The destruction of our family has wounded Joel so deeply that I don’t know if he will ever fully recover. Joel had a bright light that shined behind his eyes. Now, that light has grown dim. He seems somehow less alive than he was.

I also had to deal with the pain that I saw on Jane’s face, when she realized she had lost. I no longer have any romantic love for her, but I still care. I lived with her for nearly 16 years.

I know that I didn’t intentionally hurt her, and that this is simply the consequences of her sin and selfishness. But, it was my filing for custody that brought it to pass.

In a matter of seconds, as the judge made her decree, I experienced joy, relief, sorrow, grief, and an underlying sadness. It wasn’t supposed to end this way for any of us.

Immediately, the questions began to pound at me like the relentless waves of the ocean pounding on the rocks. Do I have what it takes to be a single parent? How will I provide financially for the 2 of us on my current salary? Will Jane continue to be involved in Joel’s life? Will I get the chance to remarry? How will this effect Joel’s long-term future? And the biggest question of all; “Why God, did it have to end this way?”

Despite all these conflicting emotions and questions, there is one constant, God. I have to build my foundation on His Word.

Just like Joel, my world came crashing around me. I suddenly found myself a single parent of a special needs child. My faults, inadequacies, and fears of failure threatened to drag me down to the very depths of hell itself.

I had no place to turn but God. The only good thing to come out of this is that I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that any person, no matter how much we trust them, can betray that trust. Even people with the best of intentions can make terrible mistakes that hurt those they love.

The only one that we can truly count on is God. His love is pure, and He will always be there for us. God reached down, and pulled me out of my depression.

God used His people to do much of that work. Friends and family called and emailed constantly, when I was sinking fast. Most of them didn’t know that I was sinking into a deep, dark depression. They just knew that I was on their hearts. They wouldn’t leave me alone, when all I wanted was to be alone to wallow in self pity.

More than any other person, God used Natalie to reach out to me. There were times that she would call, and ask how I was doing. I would tell her I was ok, and say it with a smile on my face. Yet, from 1500 miles away, she would know it wasn’t true. She would gently prod and nudge me, until I opened my heart, and shared my pain.

God also used his Spirit to minister to me, when I was ready to give up. His Spirit would speak to me in that still small voice, and through His Word. I would be in a worship service, and His Spirit would wash over me. Tears would cleanse the wounds, and allow me to let go of some of the pain.

God has been there every day. I still struggle with the weight of raising an autistic child alone, especially one that just officially became a teenager in the past couple of weeks. But, I firmly believe God will give me the strength, wisdom, and love that I need to raise Joel in the love and admonition of the Lord.

I can say with confidence, not confidence in myself, but confidence in my God, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”.

Raising an Autistic Son - Daily Struggles

I love Joel, and most of the time, he is a wonderful kid. But, his autism does cause some issues. He struggles in social situations that most of us take for granted. Those issues make it difficult for me to have a social life, and add to the isolation that I am already struggling with as a single parent.

For example, I wanted to attend church on Wednesday nights. That means that Joel needed to go to the youth service. Joel did not do well in the youth service, and came to me crying. It was too loud, and he doesn’t do well in loud situations. He said it was “horrible”. I gave him some foam earplugs, but it still was too loud for him. Most kids like the loud music, but not Joel.

So, I am left with 2 choices. I can either make Joel go, and expect to get interrupted during the service, or stay home. The only other option is to pay for a babysitter, which I don’t have the money to do.

A small part of me resents Joel’s autism, and his inability to function socially at the level that he should for his age. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way about my son. I love Joel so much, and I want him to enjoy being with other Christians his own age.

I also wonder how much Joel's problems at church are his autism, and how much they are his mother's influence. She hates anything to do with church, or any other thing of God. Is she poisoning Joel's mind so much that he has made up his mind he won't like it, before he really gives it a chance?

I even sometimes wonder if Jane’s bipolar tendencies are part of what Joel is struggling with. Bipolar does have a very strong genetic component, and that thought is so frightening. Bipolar disorder destroyed our family.

Despite his problems, Joel has a lot of gifts. He is very loving to those he is really close to. He is incredibly intelligent, can think outside of the box, and is very creative.

When Joel is into something, he devours every bit of information he can find on that subject. He becomes a subject matter expert, very quickly. Hopefully, as Joel enters adulthood, he will be able to utilize that skill set, while being able to get around his social struggles.

As a single parent, I need social interaction. Joel’s problems make it difficult to get that interaction, which adds to the isolation that single parents naturally feel.

I don’t know how I am going to balance this quandary, but I know that God has an answer.

Photographs, Time, and the Human Condition

A new year has begun, and with it, the inevitable questions about time and the artificial structure that we humans place on it. We place a marker on the timeline. Standing on that marker, we look back at the past year, and look forward to what might be.

As a photographer, I have always had a fascination with time and place. Photographs place an artificial frame around a space and time. A photo records a particular place at a precise moment of time, and rips it out of the timeline.

Take the photo of the Old Mill in the snow for example. A few minutes after I took this image, some other people could walk through the snow, leaving tracks that would ruin the new snow look that helps make the image work. Within a couple of days, the snow had melted, changing the crisp white look of the scene into dull browns and grays that are so typical of a North Carolina winter.

Most of my photos attempt to capture the beauty of something that I see in front of me at a particular moment. When I am in this process, I am fully in the present moment. It is one of the only times that I am not thinking about events from the past, or pondering the future. Every sense is engaged in analyzing what is in front of me at that exact moment, and how I can best capture it. Not only am I fully in the present moment, I’m fully alive.

I wish I could live more of my life like I do when I am taking those photos. I spend so much time and energy, reliving past events, and pondering my future. Right now, I am struggling more with this than normal. The present has a lot of joy, but also a tremendous amount of loneliness. I struggle as a single parent, and financially, it is a rough time.

In a little more than a week, there will be another court date, and a possible permanent custody decision. That future event looms over me like a dark cloud, making it hard to concentrate on the present.

That event spurs the inevitable questions about my future. What will I be doing, professionally? Will I have more money than I do now, or will I be destitute? Will I be married again, or will this divorce leave me alone for the rest of my life? Will my autistic son be capable of being independent enough to live on his own, or will his autism force him to live with me for the rest of his life? Will I even be alive in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years?

Jesus warned us of the dangers of being so concerned with our future, that we do not live in the present moment. He said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

This is where faith makes such a difference. I can trust that God stands outside of time. He created time, and therefore exist outside of it. He can see the past, present, and future, as clear as I can see this computer screen at this exact moment. I trust that God will bring wonderful blessings into my future, and that He will give me the strength, and love of friends and family, needed to survive the hard times.

How do those that don’t know Christ live their lives, without being consumed by quandary of future possibilities? Before God changed my life, I attempted to ignore these questions, but they haunted me.

Since I gave my life to Christ, they do not trouble me as much. Yes, those questions still rise to the surface, but I am able to pray, and give them to God. I trust Him. As I have stated in previous blogs, God promised to restore my past. He also promised that His plans for my future are good, that all things will work together for my good, and that He will give me a future and a hope.

So, I will try to live this day, and every day, in the present moment. But, it is not an easy task. I have a long way to go. It is easier, when the present moment is pleasurable or at least pleasant. It is more difficult, when the present moment is filled with loneliness or pain.

I want to live what I believe, not just talk a good talk. God has blessed me in so many ways, and has brought me through some very rough times in 2009. I firmly believe that 2010 will be a much better year, and my brighter future, begins today.