Raging Within

In August, 1993, I fell on my knees at an altar, and gave my life to God. Jesus forgave my sins, washed me in His blood, and gave me His righteousness.

Yet, I still struggle with my insecurities, and failures. I say that I love God, but I choose to spend so much of my time playing tennis, taking photos, and playing on flickr and facebook. There is nothing wrong with any of these pursuits, but when I allow them to keep me from spending time in prayer and the Word, they become sin.

I am so tired of saying one thing, and then living another. I want to have such a close walk with God, and be so totally in love with Jesus that He truly is the center of my life. Yet, I fail to live that out like I should.

The apostle Paul saw this in his own life. He wrote ”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” Rom 7:15.

When we accept Christ’ gift of salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us. I struggle with this, because we are still also flesh. How can the Spirit of God reside in me, when my flesh seems to be at war with my spirit?

Sometimes, it feels as if this war going on inside of me is going to destroy me. But, I know that is the whole point. The outside flesh is being put to death, so that the Spirit can have more control. The flesh must die if I am to become more like Christ.

Some days, I allow the Holy Spirit to have more control, and I feel more of His presence. Other days, I choose to allow sin to have more control. Those days, God seems a million miles away

Tonight, I can feel that war raging. My flesh wants to be selfish, and do what I want to do. Yet, I can hear that still small voice deep in my spirit saying “be still, and know that I am God”. I can hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit telling me to choose life. My soul aches, and my flesh screams, trying to maintain control.

Ultimately, God left the decision up to me. He will not violate my free will. Every decision gives me another opportunity to choose life, or choose death. Praise God that He doesn’t strike me down, when I make the wrong choice. His Spirit gently calls me to ask for forgiveness, go forward, and sin no more.

If I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago, but God is patient and loving. He is always willing to forgive, and give me another opportunity to make the right decision. Tonight, I will pray, and make the right decision, not in by my power, but by His power. I pray that tomorrow, God will help me make better choices, and draw nearer to Him.