This weekend is both joyous, and grievous to me. Joel has been at his mother’s for the past 2 weeks. Monday night, he comes home with me.
During this time, I have missed him terribly. On the flip-side, I have enjoyed the freedom to go play tennis, hang out with friends, and generally do what I want, whenever I want.
I have also been concerned about Joel. He struggles to get along with the children of the man that my ex moved in with. His mother didn’t give him time to adjust to the separation, before plunging him into her new relationship. He has dealt with it better than I think I ever could.
The thought of Monday brings joy and relief from worry. It also brings with it a renewed sense of trepidation and concern. I have to again be the single parent of an Aspergers child that is entering the teen years. I often wonder if I have what it takes. I fear making the wrong decisions as a parent, and causing long term harm to my child.
I am haunted by so many questions. How much to I force him to socialize to help him learn to deal with others? How much to I let him be alone to recover from spending the last 2 weeks with far too many people in a small apartment? How much time on the computer is too much? How can I help him deal with the teen years, girls, and peer pressure? How do I help him not waste all the potential he has? How do I connect with him better? The questions are endless, and I have no clear answers.
I know that most parents wonder if they have what it takes to raise their kid(s) right. Single parents have that concern much stronger. Not only do I have those concerns, but my child has special needs. It often feels overwhelming.
Part of me wants to scream that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I no longer miss my ex as a mate, but I do miss having help in raising my son. I have dealt with most of the issues around the divorce, but this one still plagues me.
If any of you reading this blog is a single parent, or you have already raised your children alone, can you give me any advice on dealing with all of this? Is it normal to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions concerning your role as a parent? Is it normal to feel so inadequate for the task?
I think all parents of teenagers, especially single parents have concerns about how their teen is growing up and if we have been good parents. I was a single parent for many year, and beat myself up if I did this right or wrong, especially with her being my first and only child.
ReplyDeleteI hear many times that special needs children don't want to be treated special, but NORMAL, so taking that into consideration, I think all you can do as a parent is listen to their stories, and what is on their minds, because if you say too often "I don't have time right now", they will stop coming to you all together. With your child, extra patience is required, and let him do things on his own without forcing it. Just let him know you love him no matter what, and that he can count on you to be there, even when he messes up, and that he doesn't have to be perfect. Make sure to praise him when he does well, because then he wants to keep doing well.
Parents are responsible to teach right from wrong, manners, good hygiene, make sure they pick up after themselves and do their homework. However, we can NOT live their lives for them or take away the pain, when they are hurting, no matter how much we want to. Just be there and hug him.
We set time limits on how long they can stay out, and give them options. For example, instead of saying: "This is what I want you to wear", you show him 2 or 3 outfits you picked out and then he will still feel like he can chose 1 of them.
Teens like to come into their own and make their own decisions. It's part of growing up and teaches them responsibility.
I would not make him feel like he is different, because then he doesn't feel like he belongs or fits in.
Trust me, the teenage years are very difficult. In your case you will need even more patience, but don't beat yourself up if you did or didn't do the right thing. All teenagers like to make us feel guilty about stuff, but it is just them "playing you" to see if you give in. Make the rules and stick to it.
I'm not perfect, I'm not an expert, but just a Mom with a 24 year old, beautiful daughter who survived the terrible Teens.
If you need help, you know how to reach me!
Sincerely,
Sheila
Mark, I'm here if you would like to talk.
ReplyDeleteI was a single dad for about 13 years with Blake until I met and married Lara.
There are no set rules or guide-lines, do what you feel is the correct thing, pray, and ask for Christ's help....thats what the Bible says we as Christians are suppose to do.
Have you looked around for a Meet-up Group that deals with what you are dealing with.
Lee