It isn’t the 15 minutes of fame that give us value, it is the investment that we make in the lives of those around us. God used the last few days to really drive this point home to me.
This weekend was a rough one. Joel was sick with a stomach virus. There was also a major change in a relationship that put the future in question.
I couldn’t get out as much as I would like with Joel being sick, and Joel didn’t want to interact much. He slept a lot, and just wanted to be alone.
Joel has also been showing signs of becoming a full-fledged teenager. He wants to do his own thing, and not what he needs to do. I have been struggling with him, and the attitude that has suddenly appeared. It is bad enough with a normal teenager, but with an Aspergers kid, it is more in your face. I have even been questioning my ability to raise him to be the man he is capable of becoming.
Monday, I had to keep Joel home from school, and didn’t get out of the house much. So, by the time I got to work Tuesday morning, the loneliness and isolation was incredibly heavy. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world.
Shortly after I arrived at work, I checked my mailbox, and found a thank-you note. It was from a co-worker that has just gone to a different job. I had mentored her some as a designer, and she had helped me expand my horizons as a designer and artist.
What I read was uplifting and humbling. She told me that I had made a big difference in her professional and personal life. I was reminded of a former student that gave me the biggest compliment I have ever received, when she told me that I helped her see the beauty in everything around her.
Last night, I heard that still small voice speak to me that I am not a failure. Along with that affirmation, that same voice spoke 2 distinct questions into my mind. The first was tough “If this is where you stay, your career doesn’t go any further, but I allow you to teach and inspire others to bigger and better things, are you willing to be satisfied with that?” The second question was much harder “If I ask you to do that alone, can you be satisfied with that?”
Those questions hit hard. I wish that I could easily say with joy “Yes Lord”, but it isn’t always that easy. Yet, I have said that what I really love is teaching. Teachers often remain in relative obscurity, but have dramatic impact on some students. I know of one teacher that helped revitalize in me a love for reading and writing that I have to this day.
I can be content with my current career level. If that is what God’s plan is, then He will provide enough increase in earnings to make the financial struggles less difficult. I can teach my classes, and use every opportunity to teach and mentor people with a desire to learn photography or graphic design.
It is the “alone” part that I am struggling with. Yes, I know that God can fill that void. But, the reality of raising Joel alone, and being even more alone after he grows up and moves on, is not an easy pill to swallow. I don’t know if that is God’s will, but I know God needs me to take on my fear of being alone, and be content where I am right now.
The same can be said of the career. I do have some big dreams, but I feel God telling me that I need to be more in the present moment. I need to learn to, as Paul said, “be content whatever the circumstances” (Phil. 4:11). It is easy to say, but not so easy to do, especially when we are going through tough times.
Have I arrived at the point where I can truly say “Yes Lord” with all my heart? No. I am still wrestling with these questions. I can say yes with my mind, and mean it. But, it hasn’t fully been settled in my heart yet.
However, I have hope that God isn’t finished with me yet. He knows what I have gone through this last year, and He is walking with me through it. He has used some of it to put me where I needed to be to help others. Through my pain, God has brought healing to several people.
It isn’t always in the answers that we find what we seek; it is in asking the tough questions. God has asked me to wrestle with some very tough questions.
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