Rough Morning with Joel

Having a child with Aspergers can be difficult. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to connect with him. He is in his own world.

This morning was a good example. On the way to school, I was trying to get Joel to talk about his upcoming day, but he kept changing the subject. He asked me if I like roller skating, which he knows I don’t. I told him that I would take him, and I was glad he enjoyed it, but I don’t skate. He ignored my statement, and told me how he wants us to go skating together, and just assumed that I will learn how to skate. He didn’t hear a word I said.

Then, out of the blue, Joel changes subjects, and ask “wouldn’t it be great if we really could build a time machine and go back and forth in time”. I told him that it would be cool, but I have a hard enough time just trying to keep up with one day at a time. He proceeded to spend several minutes talking about this, and then went quiet.

As we pulled up to the school, I gave Joel a hug, and told him to have a good day. We are in line to drop him off. I stop the car, and he picks up a little toy and starts pretending it is a tank, complete with sound effects for explosions. He knows we are in line, and other cars are waiting for him to get out of the car, so I can pull forward. But, Joel is now completely in this fantasy. He has no intention of getting his stuff, and getting out of the car.

I got frustrated, and grabbed the toy out of his hand a lot more harshly than I meant to. I could feel the frustration of all the parents in the cars behind me. He got startled, and I could see tears starting to well up. But, instead of comforting him, I told him in a very gruff voice that I needed him to focus on getting his stuff and getting into the school.

Joel got his stuff, and closed the door. I could see the hurt in his eyes as I drove off. But, I couldn’t stop the line of cars longer to comfort him. As I drove to work, I felt like a complete heel. Even now, as I take a few minutes to type this, I just want to cry.

I love my son, but I do get very frustrated. He is 13, but emotionally, he seems to be at about 8 or 9. That is why he gets along well with kids that are 3-4 years younger than him, but not kids his own age. It is a large part of why he is being bullied terribly at school. He also goes into his own internal world, and when he does, it is hard to get him back into reality.

Some days, I feel like a complete failure as a parent, because I struggle so much to reach Joel. I know that this is not unusual for parents of Aspies, but it doesn’t lessen the pain any.

I only get Joel one weekend out of 4, but I have him every weeknight. So, most of my time with him is spent getting his homework done, and getting ready for school the next day. I feel like I am the drill sergeant, and Jane is the fun one on the weekends.

I want this weekend to get off to a good start, and I blew it this morning. All I can do is apologize for being so rough with him this morning, and just go on.

I know that I need to stop trying to connect with him so hard, and just accept the fact that our interactions may only be on the surface. Yet, I feel a longing to connect on a deeper level with him. It leaves a very large, empty hole in my heart.