Treasure

Where is your treasure? Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Mathew 6:21). Most Christians would be quick to say that their treasure is in heaven, not here on earth.

But, is it really? I have had to ask myself that recently, and the answer was shocking. Let’s get past all the platitudes, and get real with this.

If you want to know where your treasure is, check your heart, and your thought life. When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing that you think about? Is it the person you are in love with? Is it your job, the chores that need to be done, some event that you are looking forward to or dreading for that day?

When you go to bed at night, what is the last thing on your mind as you drift off to sleep? Is it all the things that need to be done the next day, or is it God and His kingdom?

Let’s get even more real. How do we spend our time, and how do we spend our money. How much time do we spend in God’s Word; 5 minutes a day, 10 minutes, maybe even less? How much time do we spend in prayer?

How much time do we spend watching tv, surfing the web, playing on Facebook, talking on the phone, playing video games, or pursuing our favorite hobby. There is nothing wrong with these activities, but they are an indicator of where our priorities are.

What about our money. Studies show that only about 11 percent of the general population tithe. Among those that claim to be Christians, it is only about 24 percent.

I asked myself these questions, and as much as I say that I love God, I don’t always show it my thoughts and actions. I am quick to say that God is my first priority, but again, I don’t always show it in my thoughts, or my actions.

As I took that critical look at how I spend my time and money, I was convicted. Yet, as soon as that conviction hit, it was followed by condemnation. Satan loves to take genuine conviction and twist it into condemnation. But, I did this all on my own.

I am sometimes my own worst enemy, and definitely my worst critic. Rather than conviction, which causes us to repent and make positive changes, condemnation would have us wallow in self-pity and loathing. I sometimes even punish myself, which is an insult to God. When I punish myself, I am saying that Jesus’ death on the cross wasn’t good enough, I have to pay a personal penance.

The other reaction from my flesh is to make a new commitment that I know I can’t keep. If I manage to keep that commitment for a while, it very quickly becomes something that I dread. I keep it out of a legalistic promise, not grace.

So, what is the answer? The answer is surrender. Surrendering my will, and offering myself anew to Christ. It is asking God to forgive my selfishness, and asking the Holy Spirit to help me make my actions more closely match my beliefs.

It is in surrender that we stop trying to do it on our own, and allow the Holy Spirit to do the work in and through us. Surrendering our will is much easier said than done. It is a process, and I know I have a long way to go in that process.

Overwhelmed

Everybody has days that they feel overwhelmed. For a single parent, it sometimes feels like that is almost a way of life.

Today was definitely one of those days.

This morning, Joel had an appointment with his psychiatrist. Joel proceeded to express how hard it is when he is at his mom’s. He told the doctor that the weekends when John’s 3 kids are there stress him out to the point that he often hides under the blankets.

It is a terrible feeling when you know that your child is hurting, and you can’t do anything to stop it. It is even more painful, when it is someone that is supposed to protect them that is causing the pain. Jane is his mother, but in her selfishness, she is choosing to put Joel in a situation that he is not equipped to handle.

After I dropped Joel off at school, I went to work, and checked my email. There was a message from one of Joel’s teachers. She was complaining about Joel’s attitude in class, and being rather snotty about it.

All the other teachers tell me how much better Joel has been doing in class, and several of them have told me how much they enjoy having him in their classrooms. This teacher, however, does not get along with Joel at all.

This teacher’s attitude has been going on since the beginning of the school year, and I decided something had to be done. So, I called the guidance office, and demanded a conference with this teacher and the school principal.

The last straw was having to call Duke Energy. I had a disconnect notice that stated if I didn’t come up with $200 by this Friday, they would cut off our electricity. This last couple of months have really hit hard with taking a loss on the house, attorney fees, and playing catch up from the move. Jane is supposed to start paying me some child support, but that hasn’t started yet.

I don’t have the money. So, I had to make arrangements to keep the power from being cut off. In order to do that, I have to come up with considerably more by the first of the month. I get paid once a month. I can come up with the money, but I may run out of money before the next payday.

It is days like these that I just want to sit down, and have a big pitty-party. I just get tired. By the time I got Joel home, cooked supper, washed dishes, helped Joel get his homework done, and got him to bed it was nearly 10:00. This day has felt like it would never end.

Deep in my soul, I feel like there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn from this day. I know what that lesson is, but I am struggling with it.

The problem is that I have been attempting to get through this day on my own strength. I am a strong person, and I often carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Tonight, I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit. I can hear Jesus gently saying “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

Part of me longs to let go of all of these cares, and give them to Him. Part of me resents that thought, wants to feel sorry for myself, and play the victim. My pride also kicks in, and I feel that somehow I can still carry this load.

Why is it so hard for me to simply pray and give these cares to God? Why do I choose to carry all these problems on my shoulders, instead of dropping them at the cross?

I sometimes wonder how many times I will have to go through the same trials before I learn the lesson that I am supposed to glean from them.

I feel like a child that ask for help, but when the parent reaches down to help, screams "I’ve got it, I don’t need help".

I pray that God helps me to learn to trust Him more through these trials. Being a single parent is one of the most exhausting things I have ever done, but through it, God is revealing my character.

Sometimes I am surprised by how far God has brought me, and sometimes I am completely distraught by just how far I have to go.

Bowling with Joel

God can use anything to teach us. This morning, God used bowling to speak to me. Well, not bowling itself, but bowling with Joel.

Joel loves to go bowling. We normally go with Grandpa, my friend Rick, and sometimes include Joel’s friends Caleb or Elijah. Joel gets so excited. But, I know my son. He gets bored with bowling after one game, and wants to go play video games. While the adults bowl a second and third game, Joel is eating cheese sticks and playing games.

Joel’s actions at the bowling alley remind me of my relationship with God. I will ask God for something, but after I get it, I don’t really want it that bad. I get bored with it. Then, it is on to something else that I tell God I must have to be happy.

Over the past year, I have been working hard to lose weight. But, I am a single parent. I don’t have time to get to a gym, and money is tight. So, I decided that a Wii Active was what I needed. I just knew that it would solve my dilemma. I would get in better shape at home, and that would make me happy.

I prayed about it, because 60 dollars is a lot of money for me right now. One day during lunch, I walked into Kmart. They had one that someone had opened the box on. Everything was there, but the seal on the box had been broken. They were selling it for $40. That is less than 2 months of a gym membership.

I grabbed it, and couldn’t wait to get home and try it out. It is a surprisingly good workout. After just a few weeks, I have noticed some differences in my posture, and in how my clothes fit. It is doing exactly what I thought it would with one exception, it isn’t making me happy.

Last night, I knew I needed to work out, but I just didn’t feel like it. I looked at the Wii Active box, and groaned. The very thing that I thought would bring bliss was bringing me pain. The kicker is that it is good for me. I got the cd out of the box, loaded it in the Wii, and did my workout. But, it didn’t make me happy. I felt better, physically and emotionally, but I wasn't any happier.

I found myself looking at weights in Wal-Mart, this weekend. The luster of the Wii Active was already wearing off. I just knew that what I need is some heavier weights to help build more muscle.

Am I really that different from my son? Do I not ask God for something, get bored with it, and then ask for something else?

Nothing in this world can make me happy. I was married, but that relationship couldn’t make me happy. No person can be responsible for our happiness. That is the problem with many marriages. We go into the relationship expecting that other person to make us happy.

We have no right to put that level of responsibility on another person. They can’t do it. They will disappoint us. The right marriage partner can make life better, but they can’t make us happy.

The only one thing in this world that can bring true happiness is a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have that relationship, but I am not always happy. I let things of this world get my eyes off of Christ. The struggles of daily life get me down.

I thank God that he doesn’t decide that I am just too fickle, and toss me aside.

My relationship with Joel is helping me to realize more how God can love me, despite my human nature.

I know, before we get to the bowling alley, that Joel will get bored with bowling after one game. I know that he will want to get junk food, and play video games. It is who he is. So, when he asks to go play games, I am already prepared for it.

I sometimes wish that Joel would mature a little more, and stick with the group. I find myself wanting him to bowl all three games with us, and be part of the group. But, I know he is autistic, and group social interaction is draining to him. So, I make him bowl one game, and then let him go play video games.

There is one thing that I can count on from Joel. He will always come back to me. Sometimes it is because he ran out of money for the games. But, even when he still has money in his pocket, he will walk over to me, give me a hug, and tell me he loves me. Then, he will run off to play more.

God knows that things around me will catch my attention. He even knows that I can be fickle in my desires. But, God knows that I love Him. He knows that I will occasionally stop all my activity, and express my love for Him.

He is also working in my life to bring about maturity. God is using simple things, like bowling with Joel, to teach me and help me grow.

I pray that I learn these lessons, and begin to see life through His eternal perspective, rather than my own temporal perspective. I pray that I learn to love God first and foremost in my thoughts and actions. I want to demonstrate my love for Him in all that I do, and be more in love with Him than the things of this world.

I pray that God continues to use simple things, like bowling with my son, to teach me eternal truths.