A new year has begun, and with it, the inevitable questions about time and the artificial structure that we humans place on it. We place a marker on the timeline. Standing on that marker, we look back at the past year, and look forward to what might be.
As a photographer, I have always had a fascination with time and place. Photographs place an artificial frame around a space and time. A photo records a particular place at a precise moment of time, and rips it out of the timeline.
Take the photo of the Old Mill in the snow for example. A few minutes after I took this image, some other people could walk through the snow, leaving tracks that would ruin the new snow look that helps make the image work. Within a couple of days, the snow had melted, changing the crisp white look of the scene into dull browns and grays that are so typical of a North Carolina winter.
Most of my photos attempt to capture the beauty of something that I see in front of me at a particular moment. When I am in this process, I am fully in the present moment. It is one of the only times that I am not thinking about events from the past, or pondering the future. Every sense is engaged in analyzing what is in front of me at that exact moment, and how I can best capture it. Not only am I fully in the present moment, I’m fully alive.
I wish I could live more of my life like I do when I am taking those photos. I spend so much time and energy, reliving past events, and pondering my future. Right now, I am struggling more with this than normal. The present has a lot of joy, but also a tremendous amount of loneliness. I struggle as a single parent, and financially, it is a rough time.
In a little more than a week, there will be another court date, and a possible permanent custody decision. That future event looms over me like a dark cloud, making it hard to concentrate on the present.
That event spurs the inevitable questions about my future. What will I be doing, professionally? Will I have more money than I do now, or will I be destitute? Will I be married again, or will this divorce leave me alone for the rest of my life? Will my autistic son be capable of being independent enough to live on his own, or will his autism force him to live with me for the rest of his life? Will I even be alive in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years?
Jesus warned us of the dangers of being so concerned with our future, that we do not live in the present moment. He said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).
This is where faith makes such a difference. I can trust that God stands outside of time. He created time, and therefore exist outside of it. He can see the past, present, and future, as clear as I can see this computer screen at this exact moment. I trust that God will bring wonderful blessings into my future, and that He will give me the strength, and love of friends and family, needed to survive the hard times.
How do those that don’t know Christ live their lives, without being consumed by quandary of future possibilities? Before God changed my life, I attempted to ignore these questions, but they haunted me.
Since I gave my life to Christ, they do not trouble me as much. Yes, those questions still rise to the surface, but I am able to pray, and give them to God. I trust Him. As I have stated in previous blogs, God promised to restore my past. He also promised that His plans for my future are good, that all things will work together for my good, and that He will give me a future and a hope.
So, I will try to live this day, and every day, in the present moment. But, it is not an easy task. I have a long way to go. It is easier, when the present moment is pleasurable or at least pleasant. It is more difficult, when the present moment is filled with loneliness or pain.
I want to live what I believe, not just talk a good talk. God has blessed me in so many ways, and has brought me through some very rough times in 2009. I firmly believe that 2010 will be a much better year, and my brighter future, begins today.
I am positive that the questions you have are normal. I've had a lot of them myself, being as I'm going through the same trials as you are.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most difficult things that I have had to go through is just "letting go"....I won't get validation from the past- only the future will bring peace and a closure to the pain of many years.
I understand what you mean about wishing you could make life be more like photography. I blogged about that not long ago....in photography- you can zoom in and focus on the "pretty things". I pray that God can help us both focus on the "pretty" and with spiritual aperture we can narrow our depth of field and blur out the destracting, ugly and unnecessary objects in our lives....and I'm asking God to crop out all the rest!!! *LOL*