Ladybugs, Wildflowers, and S.W.A.T. Teams

Sometimes it seems that I have the uncanny ability to get into trouble, even when I am not looking for it. Trouble seems to find me in the most unlikely places.

Until recently, I worked third shift, and struggled to sleep during the day. So, I would do something to unwind, after work.

One morning, on my way home, I stopped to take photos of some wild flowers that were in an un-mowed field. The field was next to the school my son attends.

I parked near the school, and walked a short distance into the field. I sat down in the tall grass, and began taking photos of some of the wild flowers. The grass was tall enough that only the top of my head could be seen above the grass.

After a few shots, I saw a ladybug land on a bud, near me. As I carefully inched closer to that flower bud, I noticed a Sherriff’s deputy parked in the left turn lane of the road in front of the field. I finished taking the photo, and looked over my shoulder.

The Sherriff’s car was still parked there, and it was obvious that the officer was watching me. So, I slowly turned around, and said “Morning officer, can I help you?”

The officer looked at the camera hanging from my neck, and let out a very loud sigh. I walked over to the car, to see what was going on. The officer told me that someone had called the Sherriff’s office to report a man in the tall grass, near the school. As he pulled up, he could only see the top of my head, and the handle of my tripod sticking up out of the tall grass.

He then informed me that from a distance, the handle of my tripod looked like it could be a gun barrel. So, they were considering calling in backup, and arresting me. If they thought I had a high powered weapon, they might have even called the S.W.A.T. team.

I can see it on the evening news. The cameras are rolling as they lead me away in handcuffs. I look at the camera and say, “I was just taking pictures of flowers!!!!”

Only I could get into that type of trouble, while taking photos of ladybugs and wildflowers. I am glad that God was watching over me, and the situation didn’t escalate.

God's Christmas Gifts This Year

Christmas is a day to give to others, but this year, God gave some amazing gifts to me.

I was dreading Christmas day this year, because my 12 year old son, Joel, wouldn’t be home. According to the temporary order, Jane was to have Joel from Wednesday evening the 23rd, till noon on Sunday the 27th.

Through a series of events at her place, and compassion in her heart, Jane called and offered to let Joel spend Christmas day with me. I got him Christmas Eve, and most of the day Christmas day.

The next blessing was provided through my church family. Gene and Vi are a wonderful couple that I often sit with in Sunday School. I don’t know them well, but they know most of what has occurred with the separation, and pending divorce.

Gene asked me to join them for Christmas dinner. I was reluctant, but they gently pushed every Sunday, for nearly a month. I told them that my mother and father would be there. Vi told me the more the merrier, and continued to insist that we share the holiday with them.

It was with some mild trepidation, that I accepted their offer. I had forgotten that they are raising a wonderful young man named Caleb. Caleb is 1 year younger than Joel. When we walked in the door, the 2 of them immediately connected. Knowing Joel had a friend to play with, allowed me to relax, and set everything off to a good tone.

There was some awkwardness at first. They had not met my father, or mother. The awkwardness didn’t last long, as we began talking about the blessings that God has given us. There was a bonding that often happens when God’s people get together.

There was a lot of laughter. Not the stiff laughter that you would expect, but genuine, warm laughter. Vies mother and Glyn hit it off well, and their interaction was often the driving force for the laughter.

There was also compassion. Gene has been laid off since April, and is considering going back to school. They have been going through some rough times, and we were able to learn more about them, and how to pray for them.

I tried not to dwell on it, but I did spend a little time giving them more details of what I have gone through the last few months.

The laughter really did do my heart good like a medicine, and I found myself immensely enjoying this Christmas, and the wonderful fellowship that God had provided. I felt refreshed, renewed, and felt God’s presence in that home.

We had to leave far too early, so I could get Joel back to his mom’s. God’s Spirit was present in that place, and we had the type of fellowship that only God’s children can experience. All the differences between us vanished, because a common bond that is the center of our lives, our relationship with Jesus Christ. Any differences were dwarfed by the one principle that guides our lives.

I can’t thank Gene and Vie enough for opening their home to a broken family this year.

God gave me so much this Christmas. It was His birthday, but Jesus showered me with gifts. This first Christmas as a single father could have been lonely, bitter, and painful. Instead, God blessed me through His people, and it was a wonderful Christmas that I will always treasure.

First Christmas As A Single Father

This is the first Christmas as me, instead of we. This year started with so much promise, and has been filled with so much pain. But along with that pain, God has given extra measures of His grace and love.

Today, I have my son with me, and I have other loved ones that are here to celebrate the ultimate gift, God becoming man. I can’t fully wrap my mind around that, it is beyond me.

There will be gifts, food everywhere, and love of friends and family. There will be thanks and praise to our God for the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Yet, there will also be an underlying sadness for what has been lost. This family has been violently ripped apart by the selfish desires of one person. Part of me is tempted to be angry and vengeful. But, those negative emotions would serve no purpose.

I do not want to forget that there are those, who do not have all the blessings that God has given me. The ones who will be denied the opportunity to see their children, because the custodial parent decides to use their power to hurt the other parent, and does not see the depth of the pain they bring on their children.

The pain of the widow or widower that lost their life partner, and is facing their first Christmas alone. Many of them are older. The kids have grown and moved away, and may not be able to come home for Christmas. How many of them will spend this Christmas utterly alone?

Then, there are those that have lost their jobs, or primary source of income. There will be no gifts under some of those trees, and those parents struggle with feelings of failure and worthlessness.

I pray that God will reach down to each of these hurting people, and wrap His loving arms around them. This day, I am reminded of the amazing gift that God provided to reconcile us to Him. It is also, however, a reminder of just how much pain the curse of sin has brought to mankind.

It makes me long for Christ triumphant return, to the day that sin will be abolished, and we will spend eternity with Him.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May God’s love fill your hearts and homes, as we celebrate God’s most amazing gift to man.

Season of Mourning is Over

For the past few months, I have been mourning the loss of what could have been. I mourned over the dreams that died when my wife chose to walk away from God, walk away from her vows, and leave me for another man.

Now, however, I get the feeling deep inside that the season of mourning is over. God is bringing healing, and it is time to get on with the business of living, not just surviving.

God has given me so many blessings. He forgave my sin, healed my broken heart and restored all the years that sin had taken from me. He further promises that He will give me a future and a hope. How can I not praise Him with all my heart, mind, body, and soul?

Every day is a new adventure with Christ as my source. It is time to stop looking back at the past hurts, and look forward to the future that God has prepared for me. As Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14-15).

Paul was talking about our sin, but I also believe this can refer to anything that holds us back from going forward with God. Grief is natural, and you can't shortcut it. But, sometimes in our flesh, we prolong the grieving process. There needs to be time to grieve, but at some point, we have to stand up, put one foot in front of the other, and start moving forward.

My future starts today. Today, I reaffirm my commitment to Christ, and to His plan for my life. I do not know what the future holds, but I know that as I follow Him, I will find peace and contentment.

So, the season of mourning has ended, and the season of dancing, praising, and worshiping God is beginning anew. Only God knows what wondrous future He has prepared for me on earth, and in heaven. I am looking forward to the journey, and a fresh start.

I can tell you from experience that God is a God of second chances. My fresh start, my second chance, begins, today. I only pray that I can remain faithful to Him, and His purpose for my life.

If you have been mourning the loss of a loved one or the death of a marriage, rise up and declare that the season of mourning has ended. Allow God to give you a fresh start, and watch what He will do for and through you.

Black Widow Spider Bite & Lessons Learned

A few years ago, I moved into my first home. One Sunday afternoon, I worked on pruning a pear tree in the back yard. About 30 minutes after I started working on the tree, I noticed a little white spot on my hand. Over the next few hours, pain began in that hand, and worked its way up to my shoulder.

The muscles in my hand and arm were involuntarily contracting, and the pain was excruciating. I laid in bed all night, in so much pain that I just wanted to scream. Ibuprofen didn’t help, and I considered going to the ER. I didn’t have any insurance, and money was tight. So, I endured the pain.

In the morning, the pain was still nearly as intense. So, I decided to go into my family doctor, and see if they could work me in. I found out that I had been bitten by a black widow spider, while I was working on that tree. Thankfully, I wasn’t terribly allergic to the venom, or it could have killed me.

They gave me a steroid shot, and a prescription for some mild muscle relaxers. Within a few hours, I was feeling much better.

What lessons can be learned from a black widow bite?

That spider was so small, that I never felt the bite. It wasn’t till a few minutes later, that a small white circle appeared. Even that small wound looked harmless. But, the venom was working its way through my blood stream, and intense pain was not far behind.

That bite reminds me a lot of what the world would consider small sins in my life. How many times has the Holy Spirit prompted me about some seemingly minor sin, and I ignored that prompting? If I don’t deal with it, no matter how small it may seem, it allows that poison to begin working its way into my heart.

The poison from that little sin begins to work its way into my life, and if it isn’t dealt with, it brings intense pain.

Those seemingly little sins that we all ignore can poison our witness to the unbelievers around us, and cause great harm to the cause of Christ.

When the Spirit prompts you about a sin in your life, no matter how small it may appear, deal with it right then.

It will save you a lot of pain.

Restoring the Years the Locust Had Eaten

Is your life where you want it to be right now? Have past mistakes brought misery in your life, and left you feeling like there is no hope for the future? I was there once, and I want to let you know that there is hope. Just look at what God has done in my life.

I grew up in a very small community. There were only 400 students in the high school for the entire county. I was much smaller than all the other boys. I was verbally and physically abused by those bigger boys for years. They degraded me in every way possible, and I just wanted to disappear.

After I finally got out of there, I was left with a huge hole in my heart. I was just an empty shell that held a vile solution made up of self-loathing, and hatred. I drank more of that vile solution every day by rehashing what had been done to me, and what I wanted to do to them, to get even.

Even after I moved far away from those people, I carried that hurt and anger like some twisted badge of honor.

I used that hatred to hurt others, and keep them at a distance. Then, I could use the rejection I brought on myself as a justification to keep swallowing more of that vile liquid I lived on.

The people that hurt me so much were hours away, yet the hatred I carried was killing me. It wasn’t hurting them. They didn’t even know where I was.

Joyce Meyer has said that being angry and bitter at someone else is like drinking poison, and expecting it to hurt the other person. That is so true. The vile, bitter, hatred that I carried was poisoning my life, but it wasn’t hurting them.

In August of 1991 I was asked to go to a church service by some friends of my parents. I didn’t want to go, but I had hit rock bottom. I had no place to live, and was about to be kicked out on the street. I had flunked out of college, jumped from job to job, and ran from my past as hard as I could. But, I couldn’t get away from me. Every time I ran to a new place, my situation worsened. Now, I found myself back where I started, close to home, near those people I hated so much.

I had nothing else to do, so, I agreed to go. On the way to the church, I prayed silently for God to let me die.

During the worship service, a thought came into my head. It said, “You have tried things your way, and have failed. You made a mess of your life. Give me a chance”. I fought back tears, and just tried my best to look cool and together.

Shortly after that, the pastor of the church stood up and said that God was telling him that somebody there had made of a mess of their life, and God would restore, if they would give Him a chance. I couldn’t believe it. It was almost word for word what I had just heard.

I practically ran to that alter. For the first time in nearly 10 years, I actually cried. In fact, I cried so much that my shirt collar was soaked. The tears just wouldn’t stop. I asked Jesus to forgive me for all my mistakes. I told God that I didn’t have much of a life to give Him, but what I had, He could use as He saw fit.

A few days later, I talked with my parents. They noticed something different about me, and offered to let me move back in, while I got on my feet. God gave a job at a factory, and things started looking up. But, guilt over my past, and concern for my future still haunted me.

God gave me a scripture, Joel 2:25. That scripture says, “I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten, the great locust and the young locust, the other locust, and the locust swarm – my great army that I sent among you”. I knew that God was going to restore the years that sin had ravaged my life.

The factory that I was working at was moved to Mexico, and when I was laid off, God opened the door for me to go back to school. I eventually finished my bachelors degree, and was able to get a masters degree.

Even more important than restoring my lost educational opportunities, God helped me to forgive the people that had hurt me. I found my peace in forgiving them. I no longer carry that hatred, and now I have wonderful relationships. I don’t sabotage relationships, and I no longer see myself as a powerless victim of other’s cruelty. Now I see myself as a child of God.

The pain that I endured has allowed me to minister to others. It has allowed me to reach people that nobody else could. So, God took what was meant for evil, and used it for His glory.

He truly has restored the years that the locust had eaten.

Hope & Friends

Hope is something that I was having a very hard time finding.

God has done some amazing things in the last few months. He helped me sell my house in just 6 weeks, gave me a new job in my field with first shift hours, and I was granted primary custody on a temporary order. The first 2 are miraculous in this economy. The last one is amazing, when you consider that men win custody less than 10 percent of the time.

Yet, in the midst of all these blessings, I have struggled with mild depression. The end of a 15 year marriage can feel like a slow death. Many of my friends seem to be uncomfortable around me, and have distanced themselves from me.

On a personal level, I have felt utterly alone. Friends are there to listen, but that doesn’t help on a Friday or Saturday night, when I want to go have some fun, and nobody is there. I don’t want to sit at home, but I don’t want to go out by myself either.

The worst place has been the one that should be the most comforting, church. Sitting on the pew, without Jane, has been one of the hardest parts of this. I feel more alone at church than anywhere else. I have heard others that have lost spouses due to death or divorce talk about the same feelings. But, until you have been there, you really can’t fully understand.

The guys I play tennis with are there for me to a point, but they don’t seem to develop the close friendships that I am used to. Growing up, I had several girls that were close friends. When I got married, I dropped those friendships, to prevent problems in my marriage. Women form much deeper friendships than most men, and I miss that level of closeness.

God knew the loneliness I was struggling with, and He is providing some new friends. There is a neighbor that lives just a few doors down from where Joel and I moved. She has a son that is a couple of years younger than Joel, and they love to play together.

This single mom goes to the same church that I do, and I can trust her around my son. She has also gone through similar things with a bipolar ex-husband. There appears to be a friendship building there.

He also provided a couple of friends through an online bipolar support group. I have not met any of these people, but they all have family members that are bp. They understand what it is like to live with a mentally ill family member.

There is one that I really connect with in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. She is a godly woman. God has used her to keep me from wallowing in self-pity, and to keep me focused on not giving up for my son, myself, and my Lord. There have been some days that I don’t know what I would have done, if God had not placed her in my life.

I know I have said this before, but sometimes, I am reminding myself. Jane’s bipolar did not catch God by surprise. Neither did her affairs, or the fact that I would have to take a stand for myself and my child that would end the marriage.

God knew that a lot of my friends would not know how to interact with me as a single father. So, he put new friends in my path. They have been there, when I was on the brink of sliding into depression and self-pity.

The love of God is revealed in the love of others, and He has shown me that love through these friends

God knows what we need, before we even ask.

Grieving What Might Have Been & Looking Ahead to What Can Be

Today, I mourn the loss of the great potential between Mark & Jane Stewart. Not what we had, but what we could have had.

Like so many couples, we started out with so much promise. We were to go into the ministry together, but unfortunately, she was just playing church. Now, the marriage is ending, and the what if questions haunt me.

It is like a headache that just won’t go away. It isn’t so bad that you can’t function, but the pain is always there. It settles to a dull ache that drains your energy.

What losses have you suffered that are gnawing at you? Are you grieving what you actually lost, or the potential of what could have been?

It is this potential that takes longer to get over. You still get out of bed in the morning, and go take care of your responsibilities. But, the dreams and hopes for the future that used to be so clear and close you could touch them are now distant and out of focus.

We all need goals to work for, and dreams of what we would like our life to be. Without them, life can seem bland, and even meaningless. Now, you have no clear vision of where to go or what to do, and as it says in Proverbs 29:18, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

Rebuilding dreams and visions, after the loss of a loved one, or end of a marriage, is one of the most challenging aspects of the grieving process. You spent years painting a picture what you wanted your life together to be, and in a short time, that picture became a blank page.

How many times have we all faced a blank piece of paper, or computer screen, when we had to write something for school or work? We get writer’s block, because we are intimidated by the immensity of the project, and the starkness of that blank page.

Multiply the intensity of that fear, and starkness of that blank page a thousand times over, and you have the challenge of trying to paint a new picture of your desired future. It is incredibly intimidating. We start drawing, and then go back and erase it all. We repeat that process a hundred times, before we begin to see something finally take shape.

If you know God, just remember that He has plans for you as well, and the loss did not take Him by surprise. He knew it was going to happen, and has a beautiful picture of your future already painted. It is a Masterpiece that is so much more than we could ever imagine.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Rather than spending so much time trying to paint a new picture of our future, what if we simply asked God to reveal some of what He has planned for our future? God may show us only a small piece of the larger work, because we can’t handle seeing all of it, it would be overwhelming. But, He will often reveal a small portion that we are ready for.

We can then have a goal to strive for, and a future that is more beautiful than anything we could ever have painted ourselves.

I know this is easier said than done, because I am still struggling with this. My marriage ended, and I found myself in the position of being the one with my son, most of the time. Being a single parent was not in my plans. I didn’t put that anywhere in my painting. I struggle with fear of inadequacy, and fear of failing as a parent and provider.

Getting on board with God requires putting my paint brush down, and waiting for God to show me what He has painted. But, I don’t want to wait. Part of me would rather paint my own picture, than to wait to see what God has for me.

His painting is so much more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine, let alone paint with my limited skills.

Irrational Fears - My own Struggle

I have a very special friend, Natalie, that I care about a great deal. Her friendship has been a stabilizing force, in the midst of incredible turmoil.

There have been so many changes in the past few months, that I often wonder which way is up.

Some of these changes have been terrifying, and I have had a reasonable fear. But, there is another, more irrational, fear that I have struggled with most of my life. Not fear of other people or events that seem imminent. It is an irrational fear of failure, and strangely, fear of success.

Does anyone else struggle with this type of fear?

There have been so many times that I have not given something my best effort, because I was afraid of giving it my all, and still failing. So, I would only give it half of my effort. Then I had an excuse for failing. I would literally set myself up to fail.

That makes no sense, when I really think about it, but this occurred on an unconscious level. If someone told me I was doing this, I would have denied it.

Most of what we fear never actually occurs. How many times would I have succeeded, if I would have given my all? The funny thing is that when I have tried, I have often had wonderful success.

Today, I read in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". Fear is not of God. It is a tool of satan.

This type of fear can keep us from achieving all that God wants to achieve through us. Fear even keeps us from hearing God’s voice. It paralyzes us. We can’t move forward. The enemy has a good laugh, because we are no longer a threat.

So, if you, like me, struggle with this type of fear, how do you overcome it?

In my life, just knowing that I struggle with it was the first step in overcoming it. When I catch myself not giving my full effort, I ask myself why. I can now identify when it is that type of fear.

I pray about it, and ask God for the faith to overcome that fear. Then I take one step of faith towards the goal I want to achieve.

That first step is gut wrenching. But, each step after that gets easier. As little successes begin to be achieved, they spur me on to keep pressing towards the larger goal.

I have certainly not arrived, but God has brought me a long way.

If you find yourself struggling with motivation, and you know that you struggle with fear, ask yourself the hard questions. If it is fear, pray, and then take one step towards what you want to achieve. It will not be easy. But, each new step will be easier than the one before.

If you try, and fail, it is ok. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen? What significant difference would that failure make in your life a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now? Most likely, the difference would be negligible.

Thomas Edison made more than 1000 failed attempts to create an incandescent light bulb that was cheap enough to make a profit on. Yet, he learned from each one. Every failed attempt brought him one step closer to inventing one of the most life changing products in the history of the world.

Now, ask yourself, what happens if you try and succeed. Failures do not often have long term effects. Successes, however, often do. What difference would this success make in your life a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now?

One success really does build on the previous one, and amazing things begin happening. You begin to dream bigger, and God is able to birth a new vision in your spirit. God is waiting for you to take that first step of faith, no matter how scared you are. He will honor that faith, and take you places beyond your imagination.

Children and Forgiveness

Many of us are familiar with the story of Jesus setting the child on his lap and telling the disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." (Mark 10:15).

The obvious indication is that children are open to accept the love of Jesus, and truth of the gospel, without hesitation or over-analyzing.

Something came to me, today. It isn’t just a child’s faith that we need to emulate.

There is one aspect of this story that seems to be glossed over.

Children not only able to accept God's love, but they are also willing to accept forgiveness. If a child makes a mistake, and an adult forgives them, they freely accept that forgiveness.

They don’t go around for days or weeks, condemning themselves for breaking that vase, or whatever it is. They don’t go back to that adult, over and over again, asking for forgiveness for the same offense.

A child takes the adult at his or her word, and the incident is quickly forgotten. Out of love and/or respect they might try to be more careful next time, but they do not waste energy worrying about what has already been forgiven.

It is we, as adults, that can’t seem to get it. We make a mistake, and go to God in prayer. We ask for forgiveness, and the blood of Christ washes it away. The memory of that sin is cast as far as the east is from the west. Yet, we still carry the guilt and shame of that sin around. It cripples us, because we can’t forgive ourselves.

Then, we go back to God, and ask for forgiveness for that same sin, over and over again. God doesn’t even remember the sin, but we keep bringing it back up.

I struggle so much with this, and I've been questioning how to more freely accept God's forgiveness. This scripture came to mind, and it clicked. I not only have to have the faith of a child, but I have to be willing to accept forgiveness like a child.

My son does not keep apologizing for mistakes he made 6 months ago. He will make enough mistakes today to need a new dose of love and forgiveness. He doesn’t pile on additional guilt and shame that he has been carrying on his shoulders.

Joel is a good kid, but he is human. He makes mistakes, but I still love him. Not only does he not carry around the guilt and shame for some mistake he made months ago, I don’t either. I don’t keep a running tab on what offenses he might have perpetrated yesterday, let alone offenses committed years ago.

If Joel came to me over and over again, asking forgiveness for the same mistake, he would eventually get on my nerves. If he didn’t stop, I might impose some minor punishment, just to get him to let it go. If he wanted to pay some kind of price so bad that nothing I said was working, I might give him some kind of “penance”, just to help him feel better.

Inflicting that minor punishment would not change the fact that I had already forgiven him. No, I would impose that punishment for his peace of mind. I would have already forgiven, and if it weren’t for him bringing it up repeatedly, forgotten the original mistake.

God is perfect, and He doesn't run out of patience wiht us, and doesn't punish us for forgiven sin. So, we try and punish ourselves. We berate ourselves. We may not even attempt to succeed, because we are burdened with guilt for sins forgiven long ago.

God sees our potential, and when our own inability to forgive ourselves keeps us from reaching that potential, I believe God is grieved. His plans for us are so far beyond what we can comprehend. He wants to be glorified in all we do, and he rejoices in our triumphs.

How many times have you seen a parent cheering on the sidelines for their son or daughter. God loves you, and He rejoices when you achieve great things for His glory.

How much unessecary pain do we bring upon ourselves, because we feel that we need to be punished for sins that God has forgiven?

Is it pride, and therefore sin, to not accept God's forgiveness? Is it sin to not serve God with all the potential He placed within us, because we refuse to accept that forgiveness?