Wounded, Scarred, but Still Standing

I have started a couple of series that deviated from my original intent of this blog. They were good ideas, and might work at another time. However, they were not why I started this.

The focus of this blog was to inspire others, share some of the stuggles of living with a special needs kid, help others understand what it is like to live with a bipolar family member, and share my own struggles to glorify God in my life. It is time that I get back to those basic ideals.

On January 14th, I faced Jane in court for custody of our 13 year old son. I filed for custody, because Joel is autistic, and desperately needs a stable environment. I emerged with primary custody, but Jane gets “liberal visitation”. She gets him one evening a week, and 3 out of every 4 weekends.

I praise God for the victory, but it brought with it a new wave of grief; grief over the break-up of the family, and grief over the loss of innocence in Joel’s life. Like most children, Joel’s security was built on the foundation of his mom and dad’s relationship. As long as mom and dad loved him, and loved each other, the world was all right. Even when things were rough, we would assure him that we loved him, and that it would be ok.

When Jane moved out, the bottom dropped out from Joel’s world. When the foundation that your world rest upon crumbles, where do you turn? Joel has handled things well, but I can see it in his posture as he walks, hear it in his words, and most of all, see it in his eyes. Where once there was a calm assurance, there is doubt and fear. Mom and Dad protected him, and now his protectors have become the very ones that betrayed him.

All of this is hard enough on a normal child, but for an autistic child, it is even more difficult. Joel needs structure, and routine. Sudden change is always difficult for him, even positive change. The destruction of our family has wounded Joel so deeply that I don’t know if he will ever fully recover. Joel had a bright light that shined behind his eyes. Now, that light has grown dim. He seems somehow less alive than he was.

I also had to deal with the pain that I saw on Jane’s face, when she realized she had lost. I no longer have any romantic love for her, but I still care. I lived with her for nearly 16 years.

I know that I didn’t intentionally hurt her, and that this is simply the consequences of her sin and selfishness. But, it was my filing for custody that brought it to pass.

In a matter of seconds, as the judge made her decree, I experienced joy, relief, sorrow, grief, and an underlying sadness. It wasn’t supposed to end this way for any of us.

Immediately, the questions began to pound at me like the relentless waves of the ocean pounding on the rocks. Do I have what it takes to be a single parent? How will I provide financially for the 2 of us on my current salary? Will Jane continue to be involved in Joel’s life? Will I get the chance to remarry? How will this effect Joel’s long-term future? And the biggest question of all; “Why God, did it have to end this way?”

Despite all these conflicting emotions and questions, there is one constant, God. I have to build my foundation on His Word.

Just like Joel, my world came crashing around me. I suddenly found myself a single parent of a special needs child. My faults, inadequacies, and fears of failure threatened to drag me down to the very depths of hell itself.

I had no place to turn but God. The only good thing to come out of this is that I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that any person, no matter how much we trust them, can betray that trust. Even people with the best of intentions can make terrible mistakes that hurt those they love.

The only one that we can truly count on is God. His love is pure, and He will always be there for us. God reached down, and pulled me out of my depression.

God used His people to do much of that work. Friends and family called and emailed constantly, when I was sinking fast. Most of them didn’t know that I was sinking into a deep, dark depression. They just knew that I was on their hearts. They wouldn’t leave me alone, when all I wanted was to be alone to wallow in self pity.

More than any other person, God used Natalie to reach out to me. There were times that she would call, and ask how I was doing. I would tell her I was ok, and say it with a smile on my face. Yet, from 1500 miles away, she would know it wasn’t true. She would gently prod and nudge me, until I opened my heart, and shared my pain.

God also used his Spirit to minister to me, when I was ready to give up. His Spirit would speak to me in that still small voice, and through His Word. I would be in a worship service, and His Spirit would wash over me. Tears would cleanse the wounds, and allow me to let go of some of the pain.

God has been there every day. I still struggle with the weight of raising an autistic child alone, especially one that just officially became a teenager in the past couple of weeks. But, I firmly believe God will give me the strength, wisdom, and love that I need to raise Joel in the love and admonition of the Lord.

I can say with confidence, not confidence in myself, but confidence in my God, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”.

Raising an Autistic Son - Daily Struggles

I love Joel, and most of the time, he is a wonderful kid. But, his autism does cause some issues. He struggles in social situations that most of us take for granted. Those issues make it difficult for me to have a social life, and add to the isolation that I am already struggling with as a single parent.

For example, I wanted to attend church on Wednesday nights. That means that Joel needed to go to the youth service. Joel did not do well in the youth service, and came to me crying. It was too loud, and he doesn’t do well in loud situations. He said it was “horrible”. I gave him some foam earplugs, but it still was too loud for him. Most kids like the loud music, but not Joel.

So, I am left with 2 choices. I can either make Joel go, and expect to get interrupted during the service, or stay home. The only other option is to pay for a babysitter, which I don’t have the money to do.

A small part of me resents Joel’s autism, and his inability to function socially at the level that he should for his age. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way about my son. I love Joel so much, and I want him to enjoy being with other Christians his own age.

I also wonder how much Joel's problems at church are his autism, and how much they are his mother's influence. She hates anything to do with church, or any other thing of God. Is she poisoning Joel's mind so much that he has made up his mind he won't like it, before he really gives it a chance?

I even sometimes wonder if Jane’s bipolar tendencies are part of what Joel is struggling with. Bipolar does have a very strong genetic component, and that thought is so frightening. Bipolar disorder destroyed our family.

Despite his problems, Joel has a lot of gifts. He is very loving to those he is really close to. He is incredibly intelligent, can think outside of the box, and is very creative.

When Joel is into something, he devours every bit of information he can find on that subject. He becomes a subject matter expert, very quickly. Hopefully, as Joel enters adulthood, he will be able to utilize that skill set, while being able to get around his social struggles.

As a single parent, I need social interaction. Joel’s problems make it difficult to get that interaction, which adds to the isolation that single parents naturally feel.

I don’t know how I am going to balance this quandary, but I know that God has an answer.

Photographs, Time, and the Human Condition

A new year has begun, and with it, the inevitable questions about time and the artificial structure that we humans place on it. We place a marker on the timeline. Standing on that marker, we look back at the past year, and look forward to what might be.

As a photographer, I have always had a fascination with time and place. Photographs place an artificial frame around a space and time. A photo records a particular place at a precise moment of time, and rips it out of the timeline.

Take the photo of the Old Mill in the snow for example. A few minutes after I took this image, some other people could walk through the snow, leaving tracks that would ruin the new snow look that helps make the image work. Within a couple of days, the snow had melted, changing the crisp white look of the scene into dull browns and grays that are so typical of a North Carolina winter.

Most of my photos attempt to capture the beauty of something that I see in front of me at a particular moment. When I am in this process, I am fully in the present moment. It is one of the only times that I am not thinking about events from the past, or pondering the future. Every sense is engaged in analyzing what is in front of me at that exact moment, and how I can best capture it. Not only am I fully in the present moment, I’m fully alive.

I wish I could live more of my life like I do when I am taking those photos. I spend so much time and energy, reliving past events, and pondering my future. Right now, I am struggling more with this than normal. The present has a lot of joy, but also a tremendous amount of loneliness. I struggle as a single parent, and financially, it is a rough time.

In a little more than a week, there will be another court date, and a possible permanent custody decision. That future event looms over me like a dark cloud, making it hard to concentrate on the present.

That event spurs the inevitable questions about my future. What will I be doing, professionally? Will I have more money than I do now, or will I be destitute? Will I be married again, or will this divorce leave me alone for the rest of my life? Will my autistic son be capable of being independent enough to live on his own, or will his autism force him to live with me for the rest of his life? Will I even be alive in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years?

Jesus warned us of the dangers of being so concerned with our future, that we do not live in the present moment. He said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

This is where faith makes such a difference. I can trust that God stands outside of time. He created time, and therefore exist outside of it. He can see the past, present, and future, as clear as I can see this computer screen at this exact moment. I trust that God will bring wonderful blessings into my future, and that He will give me the strength, and love of friends and family, needed to survive the hard times.

How do those that don’t know Christ live their lives, without being consumed by quandary of future possibilities? Before God changed my life, I attempted to ignore these questions, but they haunted me.

Since I gave my life to Christ, they do not trouble me as much. Yes, those questions still rise to the surface, but I am able to pray, and give them to God. I trust Him. As I have stated in previous blogs, God promised to restore my past. He also promised that His plans for my future are good, that all things will work together for my good, and that He will give me a future and a hope.

So, I will try to live this day, and every day, in the present moment. But, it is not an easy task. I have a long way to go. It is easier, when the present moment is pleasurable or at least pleasant. It is more difficult, when the present moment is filled with loneliness or pain.

I want to live what I believe, not just talk a good talk. God has blessed me in so many ways, and has brought me through some very rough times in 2009. I firmly believe that 2010 will be a much better year, and my brighter future, begins today.