Raging Within

In August, 1993, I fell on my knees at an altar, and gave my life to God. Jesus forgave my sins, washed me in His blood, and gave me His righteousness.

Yet, I still struggle with my insecurities, and failures. I say that I love God, but I choose to spend so much of my time playing tennis, taking photos, and playing on flickr and facebook. There is nothing wrong with any of these pursuits, but when I allow them to keep me from spending time in prayer and the Word, they become sin.

I am so tired of saying one thing, and then living another. I want to have such a close walk with God, and be so totally in love with Jesus that He truly is the center of my life. Yet, I fail to live that out like I should.

The apostle Paul saw this in his own life. He wrote ”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” Rom 7:15.

When we accept Christ’ gift of salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us. I struggle with this, because we are still also flesh. How can the Spirit of God reside in me, when my flesh seems to be at war with my spirit?

Sometimes, it feels as if this war going on inside of me is going to destroy me. But, I know that is the whole point. The outside flesh is being put to death, so that the Spirit can have more control. The flesh must die if I am to become more like Christ.

Some days, I allow the Holy Spirit to have more control, and I feel more of His presence. Other days, I choose to allow sin to have more control. Those days, God seems a million miles away

Tonight, I can feel that war raging. My flesh wants to be selfish, and do what I want to do. Yet, I can hear that still small voice deep in my spirit saying “be still, and know that I am God”. I can hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit telling me to choose life. My soul aches, and my flesh screams, trying to maintain control.

Ultimately, God left the decision up to me. He will not violate my free will. Every decision gives me another opportunity to choose life, or choose death. Praise God that He doesn’t strike me down, when I make the wrong choice. His Spirit gently calls me to ask for forgiveness, go forward, and sin no more.

If I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago, but God is patient and loving. He is always willing to forgive, and give me another opportunity to make the right decision. Tonight, I will pray, and make the right decision, not in by my power, but by His power. I pray that tomorrow, God will help me make better choices, and draw nearer to Him.

Signs of His Presence

A couple of weeks ago, my pastor was speaking about Jacob wrestling with God. God touched Jacob’s hip, and wrenched it out of its socket. Jacob’s limp would be a sign to all that he had spent time in God’s presence. As Pastor Byerly said, when we wrestle with God, there is a mark left that is visible to all those around us.

I found myself thinking about Acts 4:13 which states, “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus”. Both of these men were simple fishermen, when they left all that they had to follow Jesus. It was after the death and resurrection of Jesus that they underwent a complete transformation into powerful men of God that were willing to risk their lives to spread the gospel.

If you are a believer, look back and ask yourself, what changes has the presence of God made in your life? Many believers struggle, because we see how far we have to go in our walk with God. We see our failures, and our circumstances. But, God, like an earthly father, sees how far we have come, and our potential. When I look at Joel, I don’t see his failures, I see his potential. I try to encourage him to reach that potential. When he makes the wrong decisions, I administer disciplinary measures to help get him back on track towards reaching that potential.

I looked back at my own life, and tried to look past my failures. I looked at who I was before Jesus saved me from my sins, and came to live in my heart. I had allowed the pain from my past to turn me into a bitter and hateful person. There was a huge chip on my shoulder, and I was always daring anyone to knock that chip off. I kept everyone at a distance, because I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me, ever again.

One of the most telling things about me, before I gave my life to Christ was the lack of tears. From the time I was 12 till I got saved, I didn’t cry more than a few times. I wanted to cry. I wailed, and screamed, and moaned in agony when nobody else was around. I wanted so much to cry, but the pain was too deep, and the tears wouldn’t come. I held onto anger over every hurt that anyone did to me, and didn’t forgive, I wasn’t capable of it. I was quite simply a jerk.

The night that I gave my heart to God, tears flowed like a river. When I stood up from that alter, my shirt was soaked from all the tears. There was an immediate release of years of pent up anger and hurt. Over the next few years, God helped me to forgive the people that had hurt me so deeply, and as I have said many times, that forgiveness was the ticket to my freedom.

Now, I rarely make it though a Sunday morning worship service without tears flowing. I always bring a couple of tissues with me to church, because when I feel the Spirit of God in a worship service, I cry. Those tears are the sign of God’s presence in my life. They are a release that allows me to open my heart to God, and be vulnerable.

As much as those tears are a readily visible sign that God has touched my life, there is a much bigger sign that took place over several years. God changed my heart from bitter and angry to soft and quick to forgive.

When we went to court for custody of Joel, my former neighbor, Rick, testified on my behalf. I nearly cried in that courtroom, when Rick was asked about my dealing with Joel. The context was how I deal with Joel when there is conflict. Rick stated “Mark is very tender hearted”. He went on to say that I rarely yell at Joel, and when I do, I am very quick to go to Joel and ask forgiveness for losing my temper.

God is the only one that can change a life like He has mine. I still make my mistakes, and I still become angry. But, it isn’t the same type or level of anger. I used to take every little annoyance and replay it like a video in my mind over and over again, till it became so big that it was all I could see. Now, I am quick to forgive, and go on with my life.

So, I ask again, what sign is there that you have been with God? What change has His presence made in your life? Take a good look at where you used to be compared to where you are now, and thank God for how far He has taken you. Don’t spend all your time looking at how far you have to go. God will get you where He wants you to be. Simply thank Him for what he has already done, and what he is doing in your life.