Monday is Coming

This weekend is both joyous, and grievous to me. Joel has been at his mother’s for the past 2 weeks. Monday night, he comes home with me.

During this time, I have missed him terribly. On the flip-side, I have enjoyed the freedom to go play tennis, hang out with friends, and generally do what I want, whenever I want.

I have also been concerned about Joel. He struggles to get along with the children of the man that my ex moved in with. His mother didn’t give him time to adjust to the separation, before plunging him into her new relationship. He has dealt with it better than I think I ever could.

The thought of Monday brings joy and relief from worry. It also brings with it a renewed sense of trepidation and concern. I have to again be the single parent of an Aspergers child that is entering the teen years. I often wonder if I have what it takes. I fear making the wrong decisions as a parent, and causing long term harm to my child.

I am haunted by so many questions. How much to I force him to socialize to help him learn to deal with others? How much to I let him be alone to recover from spending the last 2 weeks with far too many people in a small apartment? How much time on the computer is too much? How can I help him deal with the teen years, girls, and peer pressure? How do I help him not waste all the potential he has? How do I connect with him better? The questions are endless, and I have no clear answers.

I know that most parents wonder if they have what it takes to raise their kid(s) right. Single parents have that concern much stronger. Not only do I have those concerns, but my child has special needs. It often feels overwhelming.

Part of me wants to scream that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I no longer miss my ex as a mate, but I do miss having help in raising my son. I have dealt with most of the issues around the divorce, but this one still plagues me.

If any of you reading this blog is a single parent, or you have already raised your children alone, can you give me any advice on dealing with all of this? Is it normal to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions concerning your role as a parent? Is it normal to feel so inadequate for the task?

Perspective

One of the most valuable things beginning photographers learn is to change their perspective. Looking at any subject from different angles will often drastically alter the photo.

These photos of a hibiscus are a great example. The front of the flower was pretty, but the photo looked like a hundred other images taken by other photographers.

When I walked behind the flower, however, I found something really surprising. The light coming through the flower created a star pattern between the petals. The petals themselves created a second star, and the leaves behind the flower formed a third star. By taking the time to walk around this flower, and really look closely, I found something extraordinary.

This can also be a metaphor for life. How many times do we walk by something, yet never see it? How many times have we seen a friend, asked how they were doing, got the standard “fine” in reply, and not taken the time to really look at their faces? They might be hurting, and need someone to listen, but we don’t take the time to really look at them. We barely make eye contact, and don’t want to hear anything except “fine”.

How many times do we miss opportunities to minister to others? How much of a difference could we make if we really saw people, and took the time to go beyond the surface? If we notice that our friend or co-worker is not “fine”, and gently ask them if they are ok, many people will open up. Taking the time to really listen to them, and be there for them, can make a real difference in their lives.

We are so busy. When we don’t take time to get to know people, we miss out on more than just opportunities to help others. We also miss out on the friendship, laughter and joy that they could bring into our lives.

I am guilty of this. My life is so busy that I practically run from one place to another. It is far too easy to not connect with anyone, even my own son.

Joel is autistic, and has a tendency to get absorbed in his own world. I have to slow down, and really work at making a connection. Yet, I get so busy making a living, doing dishes and laundry, and making sure Joel gets his homework done that if I am not careful, I miss out on so much. Joel is 13, and is struggling with the beginning of puberty and all that it entails.

Joel is starting to question what it is to be a man. I don’t want him to base his manhood on what television portrays a man to be, or pop culture. I want to take the time to teach Joel about integrity and protecting those he loves.

He is starting to think about girls. I don’t want him to adopt the media’s view that all that matters is physical beauty. I want to teach him how to treat women with respect, and help him to not make mistakes that could destroy his life, and the life of some young lady.

I need to slow down, and take the time to be the parent that Joel needs me to be, and the friend that those around me need.

I need to change my perspective, be more observant, and take the time to show God’s love in tangible ways to those around me.