I have started a couple of series that deviated from my original intent of this blog. They were good ideas, and might work at another time. However, they were not why I started this.
The focus of this blog was to inspire others, share some of the stuggles of living with a special needs kid, help others understand what it is like to live with a bipolar family member, and share my own struggles to glorify God in my life. It is time that I get back to those basic ideals.
On January 14th, I faced Jane in court for custody of our 13 year old son. I filed for custody, because Joel is autistic, and desperately needs a stable environment. I emerged with primary custody, but Jane gets “liberal visitation”. She gets him one evening a week, and 3 out of every 4 weekends.
I praise God for the victory, but it brought with it a new wave of grief; grief over the break-up of the family, and grief over the loss of innocence in Joel’s life. Like most children, Joel’s security was built on the foundation of his mom and dad’s relationship. As long as mom and dad loved him, and loved each other, the world was all right. Even when things were rough, we would assure him that we loved him, and that it would be ok.
When Jane moved out, the bottom dropped out from Joel’s world. When the foundation that your world rest upon crumbles, where do you turn? Joel has handled things well, but I can see it in his posture as he walks, hear it in his words, and most of all, see it in his eyes. Where once there was a calm assurance, there is doubt and fear. Mom and Dad protected him, and now his protectors have become the very ones that betrayed him.
All of this is hard enough on a normal child, but for an autistic child, it is even more difficult. Joel needs structure, and routine. Sudden change is always difficult for him, even positive change. The destruction of our family has wounded Joel so deeply that I don’t know if he will ever fully recover. Joel had a bright light that shined behind his eyes. Now, that light has grown dim. He seems somehow less alive than he was.
I also had to deal with the pain that I saw on Jane’s face, when she realized she had lost. I no longer have any romantic love for her, but I still care. I lived with her for nearly 16 years.
I know that I didn’t intentionally hurt her, and that this is simply the consequences of her sin and selfishness. But, it was my filing for custody that brought it to pass.
In a matter of seconds, as the judge made her decree, I experienced joy, relief, sorrow, grief, and an underlying sadness. It wasn’t supposed to end this way for any of us.
Immediately, the questions began to pound at me like the relentless waves of the ocean pounding on the rocks. Do I have what it takes to be a single parent? How will I provide financially for the 2 of us on my current salary? Will Jane continue to be involved in Joel’s life? Will I get the chance to remarry? How will this effect Joel’s long-term future? And the biggest question of all; “Why God, did it have to end this way?”
Despite all these conflicting emotions and questions, there is one constant, God. I have to build my foundation on His Word.
Just like Joel, my world came crashing around me. I suddenly found myself a single parent of a special needs child. My faults, inadequacies, and fears of failure threatened to drag me down to the very depths of hell itself.
I had no place to turn but God. The only good thing to come out of this is that I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that any person, no matter how much we trust them, can betray that trust. Even people with the best of intentions can make terrible mistakes that hurt those they love.
The only one that we can truly count on is God. His love is pure, and He will always be there for us. God reached down, and pulled me out of my depression.
God used His people to do much of that work. Friends and family called and emailed constantly, when I was sinking fast. Most of them didn’t know that I was sinking into a deep, dark depression. They just knew that I was on their hearts. They wouldn’t leave me alone, when all I wanted was to be alone to wallow in self pity.
More than any other person, God used Natalie to reach out to me. There were times that she would call, and ask how I was doing. I would tell her I was ok, and say it with a smile on my face. Yet, from 1500 miles away, she would know it wasn’t true. She would gently prod and nudge me, until I opened my heart, and shared my pain.
God also used his Spirit to minister to me, when I was ready to give up. His Spirit would speak to me in that still small voice, and through His Word. I would be in a worship service, and His Spirit would wash over me. Tears would cleanse the wounds, and allow me to let go of some of the pain.
God has been there every day. I still struggle with the weight of raising an autistic child alone, especially one that just officially became a teenager in the past couple of weeks. But, I firmly believe God will give me the strength, wisdom, and love that I need to raise Joel in the love and admonition of the Lord.
I can say with confidence, not confidence in myself, but confidence in my God, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”.
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