Overwhelmed

Everybody has days that they feel overwhelmed. For a single parent, it sometimes feels like that is almost a way of life.

Today was definitely one of those days.

This morning, Joel had an appointment with his psychiatrist. Joel proceeded to express how hard it is when he is at his mom’s. He told the doctor that the weekends when John’s 3 kids are there stress him out to the point that he often hides under the blankets.

It is a terrible feeling when you know that your child is hurting, and you can’t do anything to stop it. It is even more painful, when it is someone that is supposed to protect them that is causing the pain. Jane is his mother, but in her selfishness, she is choosing to put Joel in a situation that he is not equipped to handle.

After I dropped Joel off at school, I went to work, and checked my email. There was a message from one of Joel’s teachers. She was complaining about Joel’s attitude in class, and being rather snotty about it.

All the other teachers tell me how much better Joel has been doing in class, and several of them have told me how much they enjoy having him in their classrooms. This teacher, however, does not get along with Joel at all.

This teacher’s attitude has been going on since the beginning of the school year, and I decided something had to be done. So, I called the guidance office, and demanded a conference with this teacher and the school principal.

The last straw was having to call Duke Energy. I had a disconnect notice that stated if I didn’t come up with $200 by this Friday, they would cut off our electricity. This last couple of months have really hit hard with taking a loss on the house, attorney fees, and playing catch up from the move. Jane is supposed to start paying me some child support, but that hasn’t started yet.

I don’t have the money. So, I had to make arrangements to keep the power from being cut off. In order to do that, I have to come up with considerably more by the first of the month. I get paid once a month. I can come up with the money, but I may run out of money before the next payday.

It is days like these that I just want to sit down, and have a big pitty-party. I just get tired. By the time I got Joel home, cooked supper, washed dishes, helped Joel get his homework done, and got him to bed it was nearly 10:00. This day has felt like it would never end.

Deep in my soul, I feel like there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn from this day. I know what that lesson is, but I am struggling with it.

The problem is that I have been attempting to get through this day on my own strength. I am a strong person, and I often carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Tonight, I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit. I can hear Jesus gently saying “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

Part of me longs to let go of all of these cares, and give them to Him. Part of me resents that thought, wants to feel sorry for myself, and play the victim. My pride also kicks in, and I feel that somehow I can still carry this load.

Why is it so hard for me to simply pray and give these cares to God? Why do I choose to carry all these problems on my shoulders, instead of dropping them at the cross?

I sometimes wonder how many times I will have to go through the same trials before I learn the lesson that I am supposed to glean from them.

I feel like a child that ask for help, but when the parent reaches down to help, screams "I’ve got it, I don’t need help".

I pray that God helps me to learn to trust Him more through these trials. Being a single parent is one of the most exhausting things I have ever done, but through it, God is revealing my character.

Sometimes I am surprised by how far God has brought me, and sometimes I am completely distraught by just how far I have to go.