Treasure

Where is your treasure? Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Mathew 6:21). Most Christians would be quick to say that their treasure is in heaven, not here on earth.

But, is it really? I have had to ask myself that recently, and the answer was shocking. Let’s get past all the platitudes, and get real with this.

If you want to know where your treasure is, check your heart, and your thought life. When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing that you think about? Is it the person you are in love with? Is it your job, the chores that need to be done, some event that you are looking forward to or dreading for that day?

When you go to bed at night, what is the last thing on your mind as you drift off to sleep? Is it all the things that need to be done the next day, or is it God and His kingdom?

Let’s get even more real. How do we spend our time, and how do we spend our money. How much time do we spend in God’s Word; 5 minutes a day, 10 minutes, maybe even less? How much time do we spend in prayer?

How much time do we spend watching tv, surfing the web, playing on Facebook, talking on the phone, playing video games, or pursuing our favorite hobby. There is nothing wrong with these activities, but they are an indicator of where our priorities are.

What about our money. Studies show that only about 11 percent of the general population tithe. Among those that claim to be Christians, it is only about 24 percent.

I asked myself these questions, and as much as I say that I love God, I don’t always show it my thoughts and actions. I am quick to say that God is my first priority, but again, I don’t always show it in my thoughts, or my actions.

As I took that critical look at how I spend my time and money, I was convicted. Yet, as soon as that conviction hit, it was followed by condemnation. Satan loves to take genuine conviction and twist it into condemnation. But, I did this all on my own.

I am sometimes my own worst enemy, and definitely my worst critic. Rather than conviction, which causes us to repent and make positive changes, condemnation would have us wallow in self-pity and loathing. I sometimes even punish myself, which is an insult to God. When I punish myself, I am saying that Jesus’ death on the cross wasn’t good enough, I have to pay a personal penance.

The other reaction from my flesh is to make a new commitment that I know I can’t keep. If I manage to keep that commitment for a while, it very quickly becomes something that I dread. I keep it out of a legalistic promise, not grace.

So, what is the answer? The answer is surrender. Surrendering my will, and offering myself anew to Christ. It is asking God to forgive my selfishness, and asking the Holy Spirit to help me make my actions more closely match my beliefs.

It is in surrender that we stop trying to do it on our own, and allow the Holy Spirit to do the work in and through us. Surrendering our will is much easier said than done. It is a process, and I know I have a long way to go in that process.

Overwhelmed

Everybody has days that they feel overwhelmed. For a single parent, it sometimes feels like that is almost a way of life.

Today was definitely one of those days.

This morning, Joel had an appointment with his psychiatrist. Joel proceeded to express how hard it is when he is at his mom’s. He told the doctor that the weekends when John’s 3 kids are there stress him out to the point that he often hides under the blankets.

It is a terrible feeling when you know that your child is hurting, and you can’t do anything to stop it. It is even more painful, when it is someone that is supposed to protect them that is causing the pain. Jane is his mother, but in her selfishness, she is choosing to put Joel in a situation that he is not equipped to handle.

After I dropped Joel off at school, I went to work, and checked my email. There was a message from one of Joel’s teachers. She was complaining about Joel’s attitude in class, and being rather snotty about it.

All the other teachers tell me how much better Joel has been doing in class, and several of them have told me how much they enjoy having him in their classrooms. This teacher, however, does not get along with Joel at all.

This teacher’s attitude has been going on since the beginning of the school year, and I decided something had to be done. So, I called the guidance office, and demanded a conference with this teacher and the school principal.

The last straw was having to call Duke Energy. I had a disconnect notice that stated if I didn’t come up with $200 by this Friday, they would cut off our electricity. This last couple of months have really hit hard with taking a loss on the house, attorney fees, and playing catch up from the move. Jane is supposed to start paying me some child support, but that hasn’t started yet.

I don’t have the money. So, I had to make arrangements to keep the power from being cut off. In order to do that, I have to come up with considerably more by the first of the month. I get paid once a month. I can come up with the money, but I may run out of money before the next payday.

It is days like these that I just want to sit down, and have a big pitty-party. I just get tired. By the time I got Joel home, cooked supper, washed dishes, helped Joel get his homework done, and got him to bed it was nearly 10:00. This day has felt like it would never end.

Deep in my soul, I feel like there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn from this day. I know what that lesson is, but I am struggling with it.

The problem is that I have been attempting to get through this day on my own strength. I am a strong person, and I often carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Tonight, I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit. I can hear Jesus gently saying “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

Part of me longs to let go of all of these cares, and give them to Him. Part of me resents that thought, wants to feel sorry for myself, and play the victim. My pride also kicks in, and I feel that somehow I can still carry this load.

Why is it so hard for me to simply pray and give these cares to God? Why do I choose to carry all these problems on my shoulders, instead of dropping them at the cross?

I sometimes wonder how many times I will have to go through the same trials before I learn the lesson that I am supposed to glean from them.

I feel like a child that ask for help, but when the parent reaches down to help, screams "I’ve got it, I don’t need help".

I pray that God helps me to learn to trust Him more through these trials. Being a single parent is one of the most exhausting things I have ever done, but through it, God is revealing my character.

Sometimes I am surprised by how far God has brought me, and sometimes I am completely distraught by just how far I have to go.

Bowling with Joel

God can use anything to teach us. This morning, God used bowling to speak to me. Well, not bowling itself, but bowling with Joel.

Joel loves to go bowling. We normally go with Grandpa, my friend Rick, and sometimes include Joel’s friends Caleb or Elijah. Joel gets so excited. But, I know my son. He gets bored with bowling after one game, and wants to go play video games. While the adults bowl a second and third game, Joel is eating cheese sticks and playing games.

Joel’s actions at the bowling alley remind me of my relationship with God. I will ask God for something, but after I get it, I don’t really want it that bad. I get bored with it. Then, it is on to something else that I tell God I must have to be happy.

Over the past year, I have been working hard to lose weight. But, I am a single parent. I don’t have time to get to a gym, and money is tight. So, I decided that a Wii Active was what I needed. I just knew that it would solve my dilemma. I would get in better shape at home, and that would make me happy.

I prayed about it, because 60 dollars is a lot of money for me right now. One day during lunch, I walked into Kmart. They had one that someone had opened the box on. Everything was there, but the seal on the box had been broken. They were selling it for $40. That is less than 2 months of a gym membership.

I grabbed it, and couldn’t wait to get home and try it out. It is a surprisingly good workout. After just a few weeks, I have noticed some differences in my posture, and in how my clothes fit. It is doing exactly what I thought it would with one exception, it isn’t making me happy.

Last night, I knew I needed to work out, but I just didn’t feel like it. I looked at the Wii Active box, and groaned. The very thing that I thought would bring bliss was bringing me pain. The kicker is that it is good for me. I got the cd out of the box, loaded it in the Wii, and did my workout. But, it didn’t make me happy. I felt better, physically and emotionally, but I wasn't any happier.

I found myself looking at weights in Wal-Mart, this weekend. The luster of the Wii Active was already wearing off. I just knew that what I need is some heavier weights to help build more muscle.

Am I really that different from my son? Do I not ask God for something, get bored with it, and then ask for something else?

Nothing in this world can make me happy. I was married, but that relationship couldn’t make me happy. No person can be responsible for our happiness. That is the problem with many marriages. We go into the relationship expecting that other person to make us happy.

We have no right to put that level of responsibility on another person. They can’t do it. They will disappoint us. The right marriage partner can make life better, but they can’t make us happy.

The only one thing in this world that can bring true happiness is a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have that relationship, but I am not always happy. I let things of this world get my eyes off of Christ. The struggles of daily life get me down.

I thank God that he doesn’t decide that I am just too fickle, and toss me aside.

My relationship with Joel is helping me to realize more how God can love me, despite my human nature.

I know, before we get to the bowling alley, that Joel will get bored with bowling after one game. I know that he will want to get junk food, and play video games. It is who he is. So, when he asks to go play games, I am already prepared for it.

I sometimes wish that Joel would mature a little more, and stick with the group. I find myself wanting him to bowl all three games with us, and be part of the group. But, I know he is autistic, and group social interaction is draining to him. So, I make him bowl one game, and then let him go play video games.

There is one thing that I can count on from Joel. He will always come back to me. Sometimes it is because he ran out of money for the games. But, even when he still has money in his pocket, he will walk over to me, give me a hug, and tell me he loves me. Then, he will run off to play more.

God knows that things around me will catch my attention. He even knows that I can be fickle in my desires. But, God knows that I love Him. He knows that I will occasionally stop all my activity, and express my love for Him.

He is also working in my life to bring about maturity. God is using simple things, like bowling with Joel, to teach me and help me grow.

I pray that I learn these lessons, and begin to see life through His eternal perspective, rather than my own temporal perspective. I pray that I learn to love God first and foremost in my thoughts and actions. I want to demonstrate my love for Him in all that I do, and be more in love with Him than the things of this world.

I pray that God continues to use simple things, like bowling with my son, to teach me eternal truths.

Wounded, Scarred, but Still Standing

I have started a couple of series that deviated from my original intent of this blog. They were good ideas, and might work at another time. However, they were not why I started this.

The focus of this blog was to inspire others, share some of the stuggles of living with a special needs kid, help others understand what it is like to live with a bipolar family member, and share my own struggles to glorify God in my life. It is time that I get back to those basic ideals.

On January 14th, I faced Jane in court for custody of our 13 year old son. I filed for custody, because Joel is autistic, and desperately needs a stable environment. I emerged with primary custody, but Jane gets “liberal visitation”. She gets him one evening a week, and 3 out of every 4 weekends.

I praise God for the victory, but it brought with it a new wave of grief; grief over the break-up of the family, and grief over the loss of innocence in Joel’s life. Like most children, Joel’s security was built on the foundation of his mom and dad’s relationship. As long as mom and dad loved him, and loved each other, the world was all right. Even when things were rough, we would assure him that we loved him, and that it would be ok.

When Jane moved out, the bottom dropped out from Joel’s world. When the foundation that your world rest upon crumbles, where do you turn? Joel has handled things well, but I can see it in his posture as he walks, hear it in his words, and most of all, see it in his eyes. Where once there was a calm assurance, there is doubt and fear. Mom and Dad protected him, and now his protectors have become the very ones that betrayed him.

All of this is hard enough on a normal child, but for an autistic child, it is even more difficult. Joel needs structure, and routine. Sudden change is always difficult for him, even positive change. The destruction of our family has wounded Joel so deeply that I don’t know if he will ever fully recover. Joel had a bright light that shined behind his eyes. Now, that light has grown dim. He seems somehow less alive than he was.

I also had to deal with the pain that I saw on Jane’s face, when she realized she had lost. I no longer have any romantic love for her, but I still care. I lived with her for nearly 16 years.

I know that I didn’t intentionally hurt her, and that this is simply the consequences of her sin and selfishness. But, it was my filing for custody that brought it to pass.

In a matter of seconds, as the judge made her decree, I experienced joy, relief, sorrow, grief, and an underlying sadness. It wasn’t supposed to end this way for any of us.

Immediately, the questions began to pound at me like the relentless waves of the ocean pounding on the rocks. Do I have what it takes to be a single parent? How will I provide financially for the 2 of us on my current salary? Will Jane continue to be involved in Joel’s life? Will I get the chance to remarry? How will this effect Joel’s long-term future? And the biggest question of all; “Why God, did it have to end this way?”

Despite all these conflicting emotions and questions, there is one constant, God. I have to build my foundation on His Word.

Just like Joel, my world came crashing around me. I suddenly found myself a single parent of a special needs child. My faults, inadequacies, and fears of failure threatened to drag me down to the very depths of hell itself.

I had no place to turn but God. The only good thing to come out of this is that I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that any person, no matter how much we trust them, can betray that trust. Even people with the best of intentions can make terrible mistakes that hurt those they love.

The only one that we can truly count on is God. His love is pure, and He will always be there for us. God reached down, and pulled me out of my depression.

God used His people to do much of that work. Friends and family called and emailed constantly, when I was sinking fast. Most of them didn’t know that I was sinking into a deep, dark depression. They just knew that I was on their hearts. They wouldn’t leave me alone, when all I wanted was to be alone to wallow in self pity.

More than any other person, God used Natalie to reach out to me. There were times that she would call, and ask how I was doing. I would tell her I was ok, and say it with a smile on my face. Yet, from 1500 miles away, she would know it wasn’t true. She would gently prod and nudge me, until I opened my heart, and shared my pain.

God also used his Spirit to minister to me, when I was ready to give up. His Spirit would speak to me in that still small voice, and through His Word. I would be in a worship service, and His Spirit would wash over me. Tears would cleanse the wounds, and allow me to let go of some of the pain.

God has been there every day. I still struggle with the weight of raising an autistic child alone, especially one that just officially became a teenager in the past couple of weeks. But, I firmly believe God will give me the strength, wisdom, and love that I need to raise Joel in the love and admonition of the Lord.

I can say with confidence, not confidence in myself, but confidence in my God, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”.

Raising an Autistic Son - Daily Struggles

I love Joel, and most of the time, he is a wonderful kid. But, his autism does cause some issues. He struggles in social situations that most of us take for granted. Those issues make it difficult for me to have a social life, and add to the isolation that I am already struggling with as a single parent.

For example, I wanted to attend church on Wednesday nights. That means that Joel needed to go to the youth service. Joel did not do well in the youth service, and came to me crying. It was too loud, and he doesn’t do well in loud situations. He said it was “horrible”. I gave him some foam earplugs, but it still was too loud for him. Most kids like the loud music, but not Joel.

So, I am left with 2 choices. I can either make Joel go, and expect to get interrupted during the service, or stay home. The only other option is to pay for a babysitter, which I don’t have the money to do.

A small part of me resents Joel’s autism, and his inability to function socially at the level that he should for his age. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way about my son. I love Joel so much, and I want him to enjoy being with other Christians his own age.

I also wonder how much Joel's problems at church are his autism, and how much they are his mother's influence. She hates anything to do with church, or any other thing of God. Is she poisoning Joel's mind so much that he has made up his mind he won't like it, before he really gives it a chance?

I even sometimes wonder if Jane’s bipolar tendencies are part of what Joel is struggling with. Bipolar does have a very strong genetic component, and that thought is so frightening. Bipolar disorder destroyed our family.

Despite his problems, Joel has a lot of gifts. He is very loving to those he is really close to. He is incredibly intelligent, can think outside of the box, and is very creative.

When Joel is into something, he devours every bit of information he can find on that subject. He becomes a subject matter expert, very quickly. Hopefully, as Joel enters adulthood, he will be able to utilize that skill set, while being able to get around his social struggles.

As a single parent, I need social interaction. Joel’s problems make it difficult to get that interaction, which adds to the isolation that single parents naturally feel.

I don’t know how I am going to balance this quandary, but I know that God has an answer.

Photographs, Time, and the Human Condition

A new year has begun, and with it, the inevitable questions about time and the artificial structure that we humans place on it. We place a marker on the timeline. Standing on that marker, we look back at the past year, and look forward to what might be.

As a photographer, I have always had a fascination with time and place. Photographs place an artificial frame around a space and time. A photo records a particular place at a precise moment of time, and rips it out of the timeline.

Take the photo of the Old Mill in the snow for example. A few minutes after I took this image, some other people could walk through the snow, leaving tracks that would ruin the new snow look that helps make the image work. Within a couple of days, the snow had melted, changing the crisp white look of the scene into dull browns and grays that are so typical of a North Carolina winter.

Most of my photos attempt to capture the beauty of something that I see in front of me at a particular moment. When I am in this process, I am fully in the present moment. It is one of the only times that I am not thinking about events from the past, or pondering the future. Every sense is engaged in analyzing what is in front of me at that exact moment, and how I can best capture it. Not only am I fully in the present moment, I’m fully alive.

I wish I could live more of my life like I do when I am taking those photos. I spend so much time and energy, reliving past events, and pondering my future. Right now, I am struggling more with this than normal. The present has a lot of joy, but also a tremendous amount of loneliness. I struggle as a single parent, and financially, it is a rough time.

In a little more than a week, there will be another court date, and a possible permanent custody decision. That future event looms over me like a dark cloud, making it hard to concentrate on the present.

That event spurs the inevitable questions about my future. What will I be doing, professionally? Will I have more money than I do now, or will I be destitute? Will I be married again, or will this divorce leave me alone for the rest of my life? Will my autistic son be capable of being independent enough to live on his own, or will his autism force him to live with me for the rest of his life? Will I even be alive in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years?

Jesus warned us of the dangers of being so concerned with our future, that we do not live in the present moment. He said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

This is where faith makes such a difference. I can trust that God stands outside of time. He created time, and therefore exist outside of it. He can see the past, present, and future, as clear as I can see this computer screen at this exact moment. I trust that God will bring wonderful blessings into my future, and that He will give me the strength, and love of friends and family, needed to survive the hard times.

How do those that don’t know Christ live their lives, without being consumed by quandary of future possibilities? Before God changed my life, I attempted to ignore these questions, but they haunted me.

Since I gave my life to Christ, they do not trouble me as much. Yes, those questions still rise to the surface, but I am able to pray, and give them to God. I trust Him. As I have stated in previous blogs, God promised to restore my past. He also promised that His plans for my future are good, that all things will work together for my good, and that He will give me a future and a hope.

So, I will try to live this day, and every day, in the present moment. But, it is not an easy task. I have a long way to go. It is easier, when the present moment is pleasurable or at least pleasant. It is more difficult, when the present moment is filled with loneliness or pain.

I want to live what I believe, not just talk a good talk. God has blessed me in so many ways, and has brought me through some very rough times in 2009. I firmly believe that 2010 will be a much better year, and my brighter future, begins today.

Ladybugs, Wildflowers, and S.W.A.T. Teams

Sometimes it seems that I have the uncanny ability to get into trouble, even when I am not looking for it. Trouble seems to find me in the most unlikely places.

Until recently, I worked third shift, and struggled to sleep during the day. So, I would do something to unwind, after work.

One morning, on my way home, I stopped to take photos of some wild flowers that were in an un-mowed field. The field was next to the school my son attends.

I parked near the school, and walked a short distance into the field. I sat down in the tall grass, and began taking photos of some of the wild flowers. The grass was tall enough that only the top of my head could be seen above the grass.

After a few shots, I saw a ladybug land on a bud, near me. As I carefully inched closer to that flower bud, I noticed a Sherriff’s deputy parked in the left turn lane of the road in front of the field. I finished taking the photo, and looked over my shoulder.

The Sherriff’s car was still parked there, and it was obvious that the officer was watching me. So, I slowly turned around, and said “Morning officer, can I help you?”

The officer looked at the camera hanging from my neck, and let out a very loud sigh. I walked over to the car, to see what was going on. The officer told me that someone had called the Sherriff’s office to report a man in the tall grass, near the school. As he pulled up, he could only see the top of my head, and the handle of my tripod sticking up out of the tall grass.

He then informed me that from a distance, the handle of my tripod looked like it could be a gun barrel. So, they were considering calling in backup, and arresting me. If they thought I had a high powered weapon, they might have even called the S.W.A.T. team.

I can see it on the evening news. The cameras are rolling as they lead me away in handcuffs. I look at the camera and say, “I was just taking pictures of flowers!!!!”

Only I could get into that type of trouble, while taking photos of ladybugs and wildflowers. I am glad that God was watching over me, and the situation didn’t escalate.