Hope is something that I was having a very hard time finding.
God has done some amazing things in the last few months. He helped me sell my house in just 6 weeks, gave me a new job in my field with first shift hours, and I was granted primary custody on a temporary order. The first 2 are miraculous in this economy. The last one is amazing, when you consider that men win custody less than 10 percent of the time.
Yet, in the midst of all these blessings, I have struggled with mild depression. The end of a 15 year marriage can feel like a slow death. Many of my friends seem to be uncomfortable around me, and have distanced themselves from me.
On a personal level, I have felt utterly alone. Friends are there to listen, but that doesn’t help on a Friday or Saturday night, when I want to go have some fun, and nobody is there. I don’t want to sit at home, but I don’t want to go out by myself either.
The worst place has been the one that should be the most comforting, church. Sitting on the pew, without Jane, has been one of the hardest parts of this. I feel more alone at church than anywhere else. I have heard others that have lost spouses due to death or divorce talk about the same feelings. But, until you have been there, you really can’t fully understand.
The guys I play tennis with are there for me to a point, but they don’t seem to develop the close friendships that I am used to. Growing up, I had several girls that were close friends. When I got married, I dropped those friendships, to prevent problems in my marriage. Women form much deeper friendships than most men, and I miss that level of closeness.
God knew the loneliness I was struggling with, and He is providing some new friends. There is a neighbor that lives just a few doors down from where Joel and I moved. She has a son that is a couple of years younger than Joel, and they love to play together.
This single mom goes to the same church that I do, and I can trust her around my son. She has also gone through similar things with a bipolar ex-husband. There appears to be a friendship building there.
He also provided a couple of friends through an online bipolar support group. I have not met any of these people, but they all have family members that are bp. They understand what it is like to live with a mentally ill family member.
There is one that I really connect with in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. She is a godly woman. God has used her to keep me from wallowing in self-pity, and to keep me focused on not giving up for my son, myself, and my Lord. There have been some days that I don’t know what I would have done, if God had not placed her in my life.
I know I have said this before, but sometimes, I am reminding myself. Jane’s bipolar did not catch God by surprise. Neither did her affairs, or the fact that I would have to take a stand for myself and my child that would end the marriage.
God knew that a lot of my friends would not know how to interact with me as a single father. So, he put new friends in my path. They have been there, when I was on the brink of sliding into depression and self-pity.
The love of God is revealed in the love of others, and He has shown me that love through these friends
God knows what we need, before we even ask.
Mark, it seems you and I have been through alot of the same things. Now that I have come-out the other side, I can look back and see for myself how much learning was involved.
ReplyDeleteI never had many friends to fall back on, so my road was long and lonely.
Church was a huge help, but you can only spend so much time in church....there comes a time where you have to go home.
Some of the friends dont know what it's like to face the things we have, so they are keeping their distance....not for a lack of not caring, but for a lack of not knowing just what to do or say.
A really close friend is priceless, no matter what we are going through.
Lee