Rough Morning with Joel

Having a child with Aspergers can be difficult. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to connect with him. He is in his own world.

This morning was a good example. On the way to school, I was trying to get Joel to talk about his upcoming day, but he kept changing the subject. He asked me if I like roller skating, which he knows I don’t. I told him that I would take him, and I was glad he enjoyed it, but I don’t skate. He ignored my statement, and told me how he wants us to go skating together, and just assumed that I will learn how to skate. He didn’t hear a word I said.

Then, out of the blue, Joel changes subjects, and ask “wouldn’t it be great if we really could build a time machine and go back and forth in time”. I told him that it would be cool, but I have a hard enough time just trying to keep up with one day at a time. He proceeded to spend several minutes talking about this, and then went quiet.

As we pulled up to the school, I gave Joel a hug, and told him to have a good day. We are in line to drop him off. I stop the car, and he picks up a little toy and starts pretending it is a tank, complete with sound effects for explosions. He knows we are in line, and other cars are waiting for him to get out of the car, so I can pull forward. But, Joel is now completely in this fantasy. He has no intention of getting his stuff, and getting out of the car.

I got frustrated, and grabbed the toy out of his hand a lot more harshly than I meant to. I could feel the frustration of all the parents in the cars behind me. He got startled, and I could see tears starting to well up. But, instead of comforting him, I told him in a very gruff voice that I needed him to focus on getting his stuff and getting into the school.

Joel got his stuff, and closed the door. I could see the hurt in his eyes as I drove off. But, I couldn’t stop the line of cars longer to comfort him. As I drove to work, I felt like a complete heel. Even now, as I take a few minutes to type this, I just want to cry.

I love my son, but I do get very frustrated. He is 13, but emotionally, he seems to be at about 8 or 9. That is why he gets along well with kids that are 3-4 years younger than him, but not kids his own age. It is a large part of why he is being bullied terribly at school. He also goes into his own internal world, and when he does, it is hard to get him back into reality.

Some days, I feel like a complete failure as a parent, because I struggle so much to reach Joel. I know that this is not unusual for parents of Aspies, but it doesn’t lessen the pain any.

I only get Joel one weekend out of 4, but I have him every weeknight. So, most of my time with him is spent getting his homework done, and getting ready for school the next day. I feel like I am the drill sergeant, and Jane is the fun one on the weekends.

I want this weekend to get off to a good start, and I blew it this morning. All I can do is apologize for being so rough with him this morning, and just go on.

I know that I need to stop trying to connect with him so hard, and just accept the fact that our interactions may only be on the surface. Yet, I feel a longing to connect on a deeper level with him. It leaves a very large, empty hole in my heart.

Dicotomy

There are times that your own mortality stares you in the face. It isn’t always just the death of a loved one. Sometimes, it can be as simple as driving down the freeway, or standing in line at the grocery store.

This weekend was one of those times for me. As I stood in line at Walmart, drove to a photo shoot in downtown High Point, and drove through a very wealthy neighborhood on the way to take pictures at an event, it hit me.

All of these events spoke the same message. I am but one person among nearly 6 billion in this world. Nobody will remember how much money I made, what pretty photographs I took, or how well I played tennis. I am like a single rain drop in the middle of a raging hurricane.

At the same time that I am impacted by just how insignificant I am, I am reminded of how much I influence those around me. Not only am I an ambassador for Christ, I have been placed in the position of a teacher, and I often mentor photographers beyond the classroom setting. I may be only one person, but I am charged with the responsibility of helping develop the talent in many around me.

There are times that the weight of that responsibility seems to crash down on me, and then I think about what Paul said in Philippians chapter 4 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. If I take the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders, I will fail. I am human, and I make too many mistakes. I have to simply do what God has placed in front of me to do, and leave the responsibility for it in God’s hands. My job is to obey, put forth my best effort, pray for God’s anointing, and leave the results to God.

The same goes for raising my son. I have been struggling to connect with him, and desperately trying to find something for us to do together. As Joel goes into his teen years, I don’t want to lose touch with him.

If I worry about how to keep that bond, and try and do it in my strength, I will fail. If I trust God, and put forth my best effort, God will insure that it turns out well. What a freedom there is in living that way. I just do my best at what God has given me to do, and leave the results to God. I only bear the responsibility for putting forth my best effort.

I just pray that God helps me to keep my eyes on Him, and not on myself. Like most people, if I am not careful, I can be so concerned with my own problems that I ignore those in need that are all around me. As my pastor says “It aint about me”.

Contentment & Wrestling with Tough Questions

It isn’t the 15 minutes of fame that give us value, it is the investment that we make in the lives of those around us. God used the last few days to really drive this point home to me.

This weekend was a rough one. Joel was sick with a stomach virus. There was also a major change in a relationship that put the future in question.

I couldn’t get out as much as I would like with Joel being sick, and Joel didn’t want to interact much. He slept a lot, and just wanted to be alone.

Joel has also been showing signs of becoming a full-fledged teenager. He wants to do his own thing, and not what he needs to do. I have been struggling with him, and the attitude that has suddenly appeared. It is bad enough with a normal teenager, but with an Aspergers kid, it is more in your face. I have even been questioning my ability to raise him to be the man he is capable of becoming.

Monday, I had to keep Joel home from school, and didn’t get out of the house much. So, by the time I got to work Tuesday morning, the loneliness and isolation was incredibly heavy. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world.

Shortly after I arrived at work, I checked my mailbox, and found a thank-you note. It was from a co-worker that has just gone to a different job. I had mentored her some as a designer, and she had helped me expand my horizons as a designer and artist.

What I read was uplifting and humbling. She told me that I had made a big difference in her professional and personal life. I was reminded of a former student that gave me the biggest compliment I have ever received, when she told me that I helped her see the beauty in everything around her.

Last night, I heard that still small voice speak to me that I am not a failure. Along with that affirmation, that same voice spoke 2 distinct questions into my mind. The first was tough “If this is where you stay, your career doesn’t go any further, but I allow you to teach and inspire others to bigger and better things, are you willing to be satisfied with that?” The second question was much harder “If I ask you to do that alone, can you be satisfied with that?”

Those questions hit hard. I wish that I could easily say with joy “Yes Lord”, but it isn’t always that easy. Yet, I have said that what I really love is teaching. Teachers often remain in relative obscurity, but have dramatic impact on some students. I know of one teacher that helped revitalize in me a love for reading and writing that I have to this day.

I can be content with my current career level. If that is what God’s plan is, then He will provide enough increase in earnings to make the financial struggles less difficult. I can teach my classes, and use every opportunity to teach and mentor people with a desire to learn photography or graphic design.

It is the “alone” part that I am struggling with. Yes, I know that God can fill that void. But, the reality of raising Joel alone, and being even more alone after he grows up and moves on, is not an easy pill to swallow. I don’t know if that is God’s will, but I know God needs me to take on my fear of being alone, and be content where I am right now.

The same can be said of the career. I do have some big dreams, but I feel God telling me that I need to be more in the present moment. I need to learn to, as Paul said, “be content whatever the circumstances” (Phil. 4:11). It is easy to say, but not so easy to do, especially when we are going through tough times.

Have I arrived at the point where I can truly say “Yes Lord” with all my heart? No. I am still wrestling with these questions. I can say yes with my mind, and mean it. But, it hasn’t fully been settled in my heart yet.

However, I have hope that God isn’t finished with me yet. He knows what I have gone through this last year, and He is walking with me through it. He has used some of it to put me where I needed to be to help others. Through my pain, God has brought healing to several people.

It isn’t always in the answers that we find what we seek; it is in asking the tough questions. God has asked me to wrestle with some very tough questions.