Monday is Coming

This weekend is both joyous, and grievous to me. Joel has been at his mother’s for the past 2 weeks. Monday night, he comes home with me.

During this time, I have missed him terribly. On the flip-side, I have enjoyed the freedom to go play tennis, hang out with friends, and generally do what I want, whenever I want.

I have also been concerned about Joel. He struggles to get along with the children of the man that my ex moved in with. His mother didn’t give him time to adjust to the separation, before plunging him into her new relationship. He has dealt with it better than I think I ever could.

The thought of Monday brings joy and relief from worry. It also brings with it a renewed sense of trepidation and concern. I have to again be the single parent of an Aspergers child that is entering the teen years. I often wonder if I have what it takes. I fear making the wrong decisions as a parent, and causing long term harm to my child.

I am haunted by so many questions. How much to I force him to socialize to help him learn to deal with others? How much to I let him be alone to recover from spending the last 2 weeks with far too many people in a small apartment? How much time on the computer is too much? How can I help him deal with the teen years, girls, and peer pressure? How do I help him not waste all the potential he has? How do I connect with him better? The questions are endless, and I have no clear answers.

I know that most parents wonder if they have what it takes to raise their kid(s) right. Single parents have that concern much stronger. Not only do I have those concerns, but my child has special needs. It often feels overwhelming.

Part of me wants to scream that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I no longer miss my ex as a mate, but I do miss having help in raising my son. I have dealt with most of the issues around the divorce, but this one still plagues me.

If any of you reading this blog is a single parent, or you have already raised your children alone, can you give me any advice on dealing with all of this? Is it normal to have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions concerning your role as a parent? Is it normal to feel so inadequate for the task?

Perspective

One of the most valuable things beginning photographers learn is to change their perspective. Looking at any subject from different angles will often drastically alter the photo.

These photos of a hibiscus are a great example. The front of the flower was pretty, but the photo looked like a hundred other images taken by other photographers.

When I walked behind the flower, however, I found something really surprising. The light coming through the flower created a star pattern between the petals. The petals themselves created a second star, and the leaves behind the flower formed a third star. By taking the time to walk around this flower, and really look closely, I found something extraordinary.

This can also be a metaphor for life. How many times do we walk by something, yet never see it? How many times have we seen a friend, asked how they were doing, got the standard “fine” in reply, and not taken the time to really look at their faces? They might be hurting, and need someone to listen, but we don’t take the time to really look at them. We barely make eye contact, and don’t want to hear anything except “fine”.

How many times do we miss opportunities to minister to others? How much of a difference could we make if we really saw people, and took the time to go beyond the surface? If we notice that our friend or co-worker is not “fine”, and gently ask them if they are ok, many people will open up. Taking the time to really listen to them, and be there for them, can make a real difference in their lives.

We are so busy. When we don’t take time to get to know people, we miss out on more than just opportunities to help others. We also miss out on the friendship, laughter and joy that they could bring into our lives.

I am guilty of this. My life is so busy that I practically run from one place to another. It is far too easy to not connect with anyone, even my own son.

Joel is autistic, and has a tendency to get absorbed in his own world. I have to slow down, and really work at making a connection. Yet, I get so busy making a living, doing dishes and laundry, and making sure Joel gets his homework done that if I am not careful, I miss out on so much. Joel is 13, and is struggling with the beginning of puberty and all that it entails.

Joel is starting to question what it is to be a man. I don’t want him to base his manhood on what television portrays a man to be, or pop culture. I want to take the time to teach Joel about integrity and protecting those he loves.

He is starting to think about girls. I don’t want him to adopt the media’s view that all that matters is physical beauty. I want to teach him how to treat women with respect, and help him to not make mistakes that could destroy his life, and the life of some young lady.

I need to slow down, and take the time to be the parent that Joel needs me to be, and the friend that those around me need.

I need to change my perspective, be more observant, and take the time to show God’s love in tangible ways to those around me.

Rough Morning with Joel

Having a child with Aspergers can be difficult. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to connect with him. He is in his own world.

This morning was a good example. On the way to school, I was trying to get Joel to talk about his upcoming day, but he kept changing the subject. He asked me if I like roller skating, which he knows I don’t. I told him that I would take him, and I was glad he enjoyed it, but I don’t skate. He ignored my statement, and told me how he wants us to go skating together, and just assumed that I will learn how to skate. He didn’t hear a word I said.

Then, out of the blue, Joel changes subjects, and ask “wouldn’t it be great if we really could build a time machine and go back and forth in time”. I told him that it would be cool, but I have a hard enough time just trying to keep up with one day at a time. He proceeded to spend several minutes talking about this, and then went quiet.

As we pulled up to the school, I gave Joel a hug, and told him to have a good day. We are in line to drop him off. I stop the car, and he picks up a little toy and starts pretending it is a tank, complete with sound effects for explosions. He knows we are in line, and other cars are waiting for him to get out of the car, so I can pull forward. But, Joel is now completely in this fantasy. He has no intention of getting his stuff, and getting out of the car.

I got frustrated, and grabbed the toy out of his hand a lot more harshly than I meant to. I could feel the frustration of all the parents in the cars behind me. He got startled, and I could see tears starting to well up. But, instead of comforting him, I told him in a very gruff voice that I needed him to focus on getting his stuff and getting into the school.

Joel got his stuff, and closed the door. I could see the hurt in his eyes as I drove off. But, I couldn’t stop the line of cars longer to comfort him. As I drove to work, I felt like a complete heel. Even now, as I take a few minutes to type this, I just want to cry.

I love my son, but I do get very frustrated. He is 13, but emotionally, he seems to be at about 8 or 9. That is why he gets along well with kids that are 3-4 years younger than him, but not kids his own age. It is a large part of why he is being bullied terribly at school. He also goes into his own internal world, and when he does, it is hard to get him back into reality.

Some days, I feel like a complete failure as a parent, because I struggle so much to reach Joel. I know that this is not unusual for parents of Aspies, but it doesn’t lessen the pain any.

I only get Joel one weekend out of 4, but I have him every weeknight. So, most of my time with him is spent getting his homework done, and getting ready for school the next day. I feel like I am the drill sergeant, and Jane is the fun one on the weekends.

I want this weekend to get off to a good start, and I blew it this morning. All I can do is apologize for being so rough with him this morning, and just go on.

I know that I need to stop trying to connect with him so hard, and just accept the fact that our interactions may only be on the surface. Yet, I feel a longing to connect on a deeper level with him. It leaves a very large, empty hole in my heart.

Dicotomy

There are times that your own mortality stares you in the face. It isn’t always just the death of a loved one. Sometimes, it can be as simple as driving down the freeway, or standing in line at the grocery store.

This weekend was one of those times for me. As I stood in line at Walmart, drove to a photo shoot in downtown High Point, and drove through a very wealthy neighborhood on the way to take pictures at an event, it hit me.

All of these events spoke the same message. I am but one person among nearly 6 billion in this world. Nobody will remember how much money I made, what pretty photographs I took, or how well I played tennis. I am like a single rain drop in the middle of a raging hurricane.

At the same time that I am impacted by just how insignificant I am, I am reminded of how much I influence those around me. Not only am I an ambassador for Christ, I have been placed in the position of a teacher, and I often mentor photographers beyond the classroom setting. I may be only one person, but I am charged with the responsibility of helping develop the talent in many around me.

There are times that the weight of that responsibility seems to crash down on me, and then I think about what Paul said in Philippians chapter 4 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. If I take the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders, I will fail. I am human, and I make too many mistakes. I have to simply do what God has placed in front of me to do, and leave the responsibility for it in God’s hands. My job is to obey, put forth my best effort, pray for God’s anointing, and leave the results to God.

The same goes for raising my son. I have been struggling to connect with him, and desperately trying to find something for us to do together. As Joel goes into his teen years, I don’t want to lose touch with him.

If I worry about how to keep that bond, and try and do it in my strength, I will fail. If I trust God, and put forth my best effort, God will insure that it turns out well. What a freedom there is in living that way. I just do my best at what God has given me to do, and leave the results to God. I only bear the responsibility for putting forth my best effort.

I just pray that God helps me to keep my eyes on Him, and not on myself. Like most people, if I am not careful, I can be so concerned with my own problems that I ignore those in need that are all around me. As my pastor says “It aint about me”.

Contentment & Wrestling with Tough Questions

It isn’t the 15 minutes of fame that give us value, it is the investment that we make in the lives of those around us. God used the last few days to really drive this point home to me.

This weekend was a rough one. Joel was sick with a stomach virus. There was also a major change in a relationship that put the future in question.

I couldn’t get out as much as I would like with Joel being sick, and Joel didn’t want to interact much. He slept a lot, and just wanted to be alone.

Joel has also been showing signs of becoming a full-fledged teenager. He wants to do his own thing, and not what he needs to do. I have been struggling with him, and the attitude that has suddenly appeared. It is bad enough with a normal teenager, but with an Aspergers kid, it is more in your face. I have even been questioning my ability to raise him to be the man he is capable of becoming.

Monday, I had to keep Joel home from school, and didn’t get out of the house much. So, by the time I got to work Tuesday morning, the loneliness and isolation was incredibly heavy. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world.

Shortly after I arrived at work, I checked my mailbox, and found a thank-you note. It was from a co-worker that has just gone to a different job. I had mentored her some as a designer, and she had helped me expand my horizons as a designer and artist.

What I read was uplifting and humbling. She told me that I had made a big difference in her professional and personal life. I was reminded of a former student that gave me the biggest compliment I have ever received, when she told me that I helped her see the beauty in everything around her.

Last night, I heard that still small voice speak to me that I am not a failure. Along with that affirmation, that same voice spoke 2 distinct questions into my mind. The first was tough “If this is where you stay, your career doesn’t go any further, but I allow you to teach and inspire others to bigger and better things, are you willing to be satisfied with that?” The second question was much harder “If I ask you to do that alone, can you be satisfied with that?”

Those questions hit hard. I wish that I could easily say with joy “Yes Lord”, but it isn’t always that easy. Yet, I have said that what I really love is teaching. Teachers often remain in relative obscurity, but have dramatic impact on some students. I know of one teacher that helped revitalize in me a love for reading and writing that I have to this day.

I can be content with my current career level. If that is what God’s plan is, then He will provide enough increase in earnings to make the financial struggles less difficult. I can teach my classes, and use every opportunity to teach and mentor people with a desire to learn photography or graphic design.

It is the “alone” part that I am struggling with. Yes, I know that God can fill that void. But, the reality of raising Joel alone, and being even more alone after he grows up and moves on, is not an easy pill to swallow. I don’t know if that is God’s will, but I know God needs me to take on my fear of being alone, and be content where I am right now.

The same can be said of the career. I do have some big dreams, but I feel God telling me that I need to be more in the present moment. I need to learn to, as Paul said, “be content whatever the circumstances” (Phil. 4:11). It is easy to say, but not so easy to do, especially when we are going through tough times.

Have I arrived at the point where I can truly say “Yes Lord” with all my heart? No. I am still wrestling with these questions. I can say yes with my mind, and mean it. But, it hasn’t fully been settled in my heart yet.

However, I have hope that God isn’t finished with me yet. He knows what I have gone through this last year, and He is walking with me through it. He has used some of it to put me where I needed to be to help others. Through my pain, God has brought healing to several people.

It isn’t always in the answers that we find what we seek; it is in asking the tough questions. God has asked me to wrestle with some very tough questions.

Raging Within

In August, 1993, I fell on my knees at an altar, and gave my life to God. Jesus forgave my sins, washed me in His blood, and gave me His righteousness.

Yet, I still struggle with my insecurities, and failures. I say that I love God, but I choose to spend so much of my time playing tennis, taking photos, and playing on flickr and facebook. There is nothing wrong with any of these pursuits, but when I allow them to keep me from spending time in prayer and the Word, they become sin.

I am so tired of saying one thing, and then living another. I want to have such a close walk with God, and be so totally in love with Jesus that He truly is the center of my life. Yet, I fail to live that out like I should.

The apostle Paul saw this in his own life. He wrote ”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” Rom 7:15.

When we accept Christ’ gift of salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us. I struggle with this, because we are still also flesh. How can the Spirit of God reside in me, when my flesh seems to be at war with my spirit?

Sometimes, it feels as if this war going on inside of me is going to destroy me. But, I know that is the whole point. The outside flesh is being put to death, so that the Spirit can have more control. The flesh must die if I am to become more like Christ.

Some days, I allow the Holy Spirit to have more control, and I feel more of His presence. Other days, I choose to allow sin to have more control. Those days, God seems a million miles away

Tonight, I can feel that war raging. My flesh wants to be selfish, and do what I want to do. Yet, I can hear that still small voice deep in my spirit saying “be still, and know that I am God”. I can hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit telling me to choose life. My soul aches, and my flesh screams, trying to maintain control.

Ultimately, God left the decision up to me. He will not violate my free will. Every decision gives me another opportunity to choose life, or choose death. Praise God that He doesn’t strike me down, when I make the wrong choice. His Spirit gently calls me to ask for forgiveness, go forward, and sin no more.

If I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago, but God is patient and loving. He is always willing to forgive, and give me another opportunity to make the right decision. Tonight, I will pray, and make the right decision, not in by my power, but by His power. I pray that tomorrow, God will help me make better choices, and draw nearer to Him.

Signs of His Presence

A couple of weeks ago, my pastor was speaking about Jacob wrestling with God. God touched Jacob’s hip, and wrenched it out of its socket. Jacob’s limp would be a sign to all that he had spent time in God’s presence. As Pastor Byerly said, when we wrestle with God, there is a mark left that is visible to all those around us.

I found myself thinking about Acts 4:13 which states, “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus”. Both of these men were simple fishermen, when they left all that they had to follow Jesus. It was after the death and resurrection of Jesus that they underwent a complete transformation into powerful men of God that were willing to risk their lives to spread the gospel.

If you are a believer, look back and ask yourself, what changes has the presence of God made in your life? Many believers struggle, because we see how far we have to go in our walk with God. We see our failures, and our circumstances. But, God, like an earthly father, sees how far we have come, and our potential. When I look at Joel, I don’t see his failures, I see his potential. I try to encourage him to reach that potential. When he makes the wrong decisions, I administer disciplinary measures to help get him back on track towards reaching that potential.

I looked back at my own life, and tried to look past my failures. I looked at who I was before Jesus saved me from my sins, and came to live in my heart. I had allowed the pain from my past to turn me into a bitter and hateful person. There was a huge chip on my shoulder, and I was always daring anyone to knock that chip off. I kept everyone at a distance, because I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me, ever again.

One of the most telling things about me, before I gave my life to Christ was the lack of tears. From the time I was 12 till I got saved, I didn’t cry more than a few times. I wanted to cry. I wailed, and screamed, and moaned in agony when nobody else was around. I wanted so much to cry, but the pain was too deep, and the tears wouldn’t come. I held onto anger over every hurt that anyone did to me, and didn’t forgive, I wasn’t capable of it. I was quite simply a jerk.

The night that I gave my heart to God, tears flowed like a river. When I stood up from that alter, my shirt was soaked from all the tears. There was an immediate release of years of pent up anger and hurt. Over the next few years, God helped me to forgive the people that had hurt me so deeply, and as I have said many times, that forgiveness was the ticket to my freedom.

Now, I rarely make it though a Sunday morning worship service without tears flowing. I always bring a couple of tissues with me to church, because when I feel the Spirit of God in a worship service, I cry. Those tears are the sign of God’s presence in my life. They are a release that allows me to open my heart to God, and be vulnerable.

As much as those tears are a readily visible sign that God has touched my life, there is a much bigger sign that took place over several years. God changed my heart from bitter and angry to soft and quick to forgive.

When we went to court for custody of Joel, my former neighbor, Rick, testified on my behalf. I nearly cried in that courtroom, when Rick was asked about my dealing with Joel. The context was how I deal with Joel when there is conflict. Rick stated “Mark is very tender hearted”. He went on to say that I rarely yell at Joel, and when I do, I am very quick to go to Joel and ask forgiveness for losing my temper.

God is the only one that can change a life like He has mine. I still make my mistakes, and I still become angry. But, it isn’t the same type or level of anger. I used to take every little annoyance and replay it like a video in my mind over and over again, till it became so big that it was all I could see. Now, I am quick to forgive, and go on with my life.

So, I ask again, what sign is there that you have been with God? What change has His presence made in your life? Take a good look at where you used to be compared to where you are now, and thank God for how far He has taken you. Don’t spend all your time looking at how far you have to go. God will get you where He wants you to be. Simply thank Him for what he has already done, and what he is doing in your life.